so 'course Kiya's not new. but i'm not her. I don't think i've written in here before. ever. or i forgot.
heck ofa night. got angry, out of control, scary, scared. not the first time. all people have facets of themselves (why "singletons" think that DID alters are one dimentional is beyond me - we are well rounded entities as any "regular" person). My "shadow" side (me as 22) is dark and dangerous, venomus. my "sunny" side is sarcastic, caustic humor. I had a bad night. still having a bad night. the poor cat is taking the brunt of my bad mood. I'm not nice. I'm not caring, particularly. I don't want to be touched or bugged or anything. I want to be left alone. He's a cat; he's old and sick. he puked on me and i lost it. I ran out of the house (the cold air felt great). I got wine and junk food and totally binged. puke. but he wants attention and food every hour and i want peace and quiet and not to be harassed. i am dangerous. i know this. he used to know this. I've told him to run. he used to run. now he's forgetful and i am trying to be mindful. my mood isn't his fault or his problem (or shouldn't be).
I am an awful, terrible, cold-hearted person and I don't deserve any kindness from anyone ever. If people knew ME, they wouldn't like Kiya. Or Host. Some do know me. "The Mean One". "The Monster; I can't believe I ever had a daughter like you". A few people know. They've seen me. Or seen the side look I give them when I'm trying to spare their feelings for the grace of God. One guy knows not to talk to me when he sees that look. WHy he has to TELL me often, I still don't know. Does he think I'll praise him?
Kiya and Host are so nice and sweet and everyone loves them... >_<
The Twins and I.... different story. We're not deserving and the only person on God's green earth who really knows them and myself - and saw something better in us, something worth saving- is dying of cancer.
at least I didn't procreate - The twins and i knew better; what mother we'd be. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Kiya and Host will be scalded by my bitter words. Embarrassed. I can't even stand myself.