TRIGGER....talk of rape

I wrote about this on the psychotherapy forum a bit, but this forum here helps me with the PTSD stuff, so....

Arrrggghh........

I am stuck back inside of a memory of one of the times I was raped, the anniversary is coming up(NYEve) and my therapist triggered this today. I did not want to talk about it, he is going to be away now for 3 weeks, and again over xmas/NY for a month, and did not want to feel any of the emotions etc knowing he'd be away.

But I'm back there, that night, today I felt the abject terror of that night and especially the desperate desire to call out, shout for help......that I couldn't do then. Back then my mouth was covered, and I was threatened that if I made a noise then he would call his friend to come take part too....today, I desperately wanted to ask my therapist for help, to get me out of that memory.........and I couldn't talk. In fact I felt myself gagging, trying but not being able to.

I was gone into that memory, or trying to get away from it, I don't know, but when I came back I was so confused. Where I was, what was going on and what had been said.

I have some recollection of my therapist talking to me during it, trying to ground me I guess. But when I came back, I was aggressive and angry with him.

I am so stressed right now, I don't want to go to bed because I know what happens then. My mind goes back there........that is the usual process. And then tonight the tears on and off, trying not to allow them to overwhelm me. And all of his awful physical stuff that comes along with it, feeling dizzy, foggy still and aching all over but especially my head neck and shoulders.

Do you all get that?

I could really use kind words and support over the next while, with my therapist being away now and all of the other stressors in life right now......not sure how I will be coping.