just feel disconnected again. he tried to talk to me about process stuff. but it wasn't even about that really. he confirmed the dx. last week. we talked about this stuff a little but today the whole session was spent on it. i said the dx wasn't important to me at all. i don't think that there are these categories of mental illness to be found in nature and it didn't make a damn to me what he thought my dx was. i'm a PERSON and i want him to help me figure out how i can live a better life rather than treating symptoms of a dx category. he seemed relatively okay with that.

then it got all abstract. miscommunication. he doesn't really understand where i'm coming from. i get where he is coming from: trauma model. he said something about how it is important how i conceptualise what is going on for me and we didn't need to worry about the generalisability or otherwise of that. blahdy blah blah me doctor you patient.

i was like... 'what does any theorist do but generalise from their own case'?

i can hear the difference between 'i understand you conceive of things this way' and 'i agree with your conception'.

but the conversation was pointless really... so i mumbled something about how this degree of abstraction was pointless really there would be more concrete stuff that would be bound to come up and we could address things then.

he didn't get me.

i was like:

i don't believe that you need to meet them. doing that means i'm getting worse not better and i don't think it is necessary for you to meet them.

he said something about how he wouldn't ask for them directly.

and i said... yeah... but if they did appear then what? would you think that constituted progress? would you think that signified that i was trusting you more? would you feel excited?

cause that is where the rubber hits the road.

he said something about how he doesn't believe that trauma is necessary.

and i said... yeah... but if i came up with an account of something fairly clearly objectively traumatic then what? would you think that constituted progress? would you think that signified that i was trusting you more? would you think that my symptoms were thereby understandable?

cause that is where the rubber hits the road.

not sure if he got that or not. but anyway it doesn't matter. i was just getting really %#@&#! off. really %#@&#! off. that he doesn't take me seriously.

'yes dear i understand that that is the way things seem to you'

(though of course thats not really the way things are)

i can hear the implication thanks.

then something happened. my conception isn't all that different... just in some crucial rubber hitting the road respects. ontological differences... hard to say.

%#@&#! %#@&#! %#@&#!.

i might have to haul out some papers...