This is how I was in my session and this is how I normally am. My t says I struggle to connect, I think this is true. As the session went on though I became even more locked out because I felt like I was seeing through the transference delusion for the first time. My t suddenly seemed very human and very imperfect. I could finally feel that for him I'm just a client, no one special. In a way it was good. The idea of being with him romantically seemed crazy, we're not even that close I realized! I've just been so drawn to him and his caring, all these qualities I cant even mirror back to him because I'm just a deer in the headlights. I'm too terrified to be me, so I'm no one instead. I'm a fantasy person living a fantasy life.

He went on about this while I was pretty quiet. About how I'm not what I show everyone, the outward me is in conflict with the real me. I thought I could cry. I felt like if I started to let go I would be incoherent and the tears might never stop. I didn't even know why I was so sad. I don't know anymore. But I didn't cry, I didn't say a word, I just sat there saying as little as I could. It's going to be hard to seduce anyone at this rate, who am I kidding. What's wrong with me? Why can't I live a life that's true to myself?