hey. nah, we do every friday and every second tuesday. i went last tuesday so don't see him till next friday.

i hate me.

rational me. thats the problem. angry me. doesnt need him. got it all worked out and dont need him.

so %#@&#! frustrated.

its not about them, you see. its about making them go away not making them worse. need to work and they don't help.

its weird. i feel all weird. it fades.

i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it.

they are a strategy, you see. all the thoughts and feelings i can't cope with. the thoughts and feelings i'm too ashamed of. too embarrassed about. that feel too icky. numb numb numb gotta go numb 'cause i can't cope with them.

but sometimes i lose it and get lost in them. then later (once i've calmed down i guess) then numb numb numb and i don't / won't remember 'cause i can't cope.

its a strategy thats all. not very miraculous. just a strategy. 'a. thinks... k. feels...' just a way of admitting to what can't be faced. not me. not me. can't be me. and its a strategy and i know thats what it is. but i don't know what else to do with them all.

but its so %#@&#! transparent. its so %#@&#! transparent that its me really. but the only way i can face it is if its not me. but it is me and i can't face it. need to forget that its me to face it.

bang bang bang bang bang not me. i hate me.

:-(

and i've kept things going well before him and i don't need him.

and hes not making me worse i won't let him.

but i'm falling apart. switching... concealing. concealing.

i said 'what do you want me to say "hello i'm a"?''.. and he kind of nodded. and i'm like 'why? what good does that do??'

i don't understand
i don't understand
i can't not understand
i don't feel very good
i'm in a foul mood
i hate him
:-(