Hi, Yes Browncurtains it makes sense
Few bits to go on though so bear with me..........
Firstly thinking about the horrible things you've done..........well your moods going to be a bit responsible for those thoughts, but maybe try to remember at the time you did those things there were real reasons behind them, right?? Very real reasons..........you were hurting, you felt they weren't there for you, you felt there was no other way than to...........they weren't deliberate, right?? And in a way some of those things could have been an expression of your need for help/support. So please try not to "beat yourself up" over them too much.
And perhaps you're feeling quite isolated/separate from them/on your own with them just carrying on with their daily routines/with their lives while you............but do you think you could tell them a little of what you're feeling?? Just a little?? Now I know it's probably going to be really hard for you to "find the words", but perhaps when you're alone you can start to write down bits of how you're feeling/the effects some things have on you/what you need or what might help a little??? Even copy some bits from things you've said here. And you don't have to come up with something entirely "logical" because depression isn't always "logical"..........just something that means something to you.............and then either tell them or show them some of what you've written.
And this..........."So finding out what's troubling me in life and deal with it would really take effort..........", know exactly what you mean there
That's kind of why jotting things down might help a bit............because sometimes it can be the 4 or 5 "little" things/things you might think are kind of insignificant that can have the biggest impact..........and writing stuff down.......well there's no denying those things then.
And you're right, working out how to address things and managing to actually address things can be so much easier said than done............but then you've got us behind you to help you with that too
I'm not necessarily saying that there's ever any easy answers but............maybe together things can be a bit easier.
And you know even if you've got real reasons to feel the way you do...........there's real stuff triggering that.........you're reacting to real stuff.........that doesn't need to take away from the fact that you are depressed. That doesn't mean to say that you're in less need of support e.g. from a doctor, from a school counselor.........I'd say you deserve some help, hey??
Alison