I really can relate to your original post. I also went through a lot of tough crap, battled with depression and anxiety but for the most part stayed incredibly strong, vibrant, and productive. Then, at age 48, i am faced with a trauma that wasn't violent or particularly horrific, but it did change the way I viewed the world and people. I went from stepping around the negative people to getting sabotaged by them. Now I am dealing with PTSD, which I had many signs of for over a year but everyone kept saying "you are just depressed, it will get better,". Now that I know what is going on, I feel like I am at least on the right path.

I sleep about 3.5 hours a night, have horrific nightmares, am basically agoraphobic, don't have an appetite, can't really taste food, stopped being able to process reading, bad headaches, lost vocabulary/speech processing functions, little short term memory, and had nooo energy.

I have now been in therapy & EMDR for four months. I have given up driving, newspapers, most TV, and most friends from my old workplace (some who I love dearly but they are triggers). I have added yoga (which I LOVE!), mindful meditation, gardening, and walking. I am on 5 different medications and feel like a test tube.

This group is great, but all of us with PTSD understand that our energy, thoughts, and willingness to reach out changes like waves as we work on healing. PTSD sucks- it isn't linear, and you often can't just deal with the **** that brought you to the edge, because unfortunately all that other crap that you thought you dealt with and learned from may have just been hanging out for the time when your brain said "no F'in way- this is the last straw and I am not doing it anymore!!! I'm just gonna shut this party down so that we can get real".

The recovery is incredibly hard and confusing. But I have to believe that it will get better. I believe that I will be more than a strong survivor, more authentic, and have a real sense of inner peace that as a victim of csa, I guess I have never known. Hey- I just learned how to breathe deeply past my collarbone!

I hope that no one in this group finds them feeling guilty or stressed about this group. This should be one of our safe places to ask questions, vent, and extend advice when we feel up to it. I believe the common goal of recovery and finding happiness is the intention of everyone here. (If not, please don't let the door hit you on the way out).

Take Care- no judgements, no guilt.

Sorry, this rant was sooo long- thanks for reading.