This is my first real post, so I'm kind of nervous and I don't really know if this is exactly okay.. I'm not suicidal, but the post deals with suicide, is that okay to still talk about? I know there's a no suicidal posts rule, and I'm not planning or thinking about committing it now, but I had a suicide attempt less than a month ago, and I hope that's okay to talk about.

I started seeing therapy in the end of March, and I was diagnosed with major depression and PTSD, all from an event occurring in 2003, so it's something I've had to deal with alone for a very long time. I finally decided to go to therapy when I started having excessive anxiety and panic attacks. I saw a male therapist the first day because I went in as an "emergency" case, but I switched over to a woman for my regular therapist. I like her a lot, and I fully trust her, but I'm afraid to be honest now. It's not her, it would be the same with anyone, but I have to change therapists anyway because I am moving for the summer (I'm a university student) so this summer I will have someone new, but I still don't think I will be able to be honest with anyone.

In mid-April I made a suicide attempt, and I ended up in the psych ward for three days. Now everything I do, I'm worried I'll get put back into the psych ward. The attempt was some impulsive behavior, which I don't normally have, but recently I've started having it again. Not suicidally, but going for walks at 1 am or spending excessive amounts of money that I can't afford. It's just not like me. I also have formed a preoccupation with suicide, mental illness, and psych wards. Again, not in a way that I feel suicidal, but just that I want to find out information about it, but it seems like it's past the point of obsession. All the time I want to read books or watch movies or listen to songs that deal with this, and I was tempted to make my first real post be asking for recommendations with these things, but I think I'm taking this interest farther than I should. I'm not harming myself in anyway physically because of it, but.. I think it's doing something to me mentally, though I don't know what exactly. I'm very scared to tell these two things to anyone, but especially my therapist or any new/future therapist I might have because I'm terrified they will put me back in the psych ward. The fear isn't totally irrational because 2 weekends after my psych ward visit, the psychologist, who gives me medicine and I don't really talk to, suggested I spend that weekend in the psych ward again, not even for suicidal reasons, I was just depressed. I didn't go that weekend, but it scared me that just telling people that I felt depressed could put me back in there, so now I'm even more scared to tell about these new problems I'm experiencing.

This is long, but I guess I just don't know what to do. Is this normal behavior? Is it irrational for me to be afraid of putting me back in or is it a possibility? I know I have to sign myself in, but I guess there are consequences sometimes for not going when they tell you to.