I think sometimes we/I/me/us/people have to take a brutal, honest look at self. Jung would call it the Shadow side. Course, being an alter, I'm quite more substantial than a shadow side.... and have a person's full range of a three-dimensional human. But still... truth hurts.
We're in partial hospital now. Today we did some stupid worksheet (CBT) on negative thoughts. K went through and marked each with our initials - which of us holds those thoughts. One of the littles (of the twins) and I share most of them. I told K this was useless and stupid. She counted them up and pointed out that 26 of them had our initials on them... only 4 had hers alone. Several were shared by "all". :/
I'm trying. I didn't walk out of the class even though the therapist's very presence rubbed my skin wrong - like the air around my skin wrong. I bristle at him. I'm sure there's nothing particularly wrong with him. He just irks me terribly. We were triggered a lot in that CBT class. Then later triggered in "relaxation" class by certain words in a meditation that reminded us of my good T. Being who I am, I was the last one to really feel the grief and pain about her illness. It is hitting hard. I've been drinking (wine) again - I know I'm not supposed to and K doesn't like the affects on her fibromyalgia. But I just can't deal with this. Last night I was out of control. It's scarier for the team when I am out of control than when one of them is... well, except for that one twin kiddo.
K points out that W and I are the two that need day treatment the most. I don't like it, but I am trying. It's much harder to keep the 10 yr old's attention than mine. And my coping mechs, tho not great (wine and junk food binges), are better than hers which get us either hospitalized or with stiches. So.... I guess it is what it is. I am just depressed today, but at least in control. What I wrote before is still all true. It won't change if I don't own up to it. I don't know how K's hung in there for 12 years of therapy. I can barely see the point. But she has come a long way.
Yeah, I do hold the anger, resentment, distrust, meanness (well, I share a lot of that with 10). I guess I am the adult version of her.