Last night, I went to a party for the end of the campaign I've been working on for the last year. I didn't really want to go--I didn't really get attached to any of these people or anything--but my boss basically dragged me. After the party, most of the staff decided to go to a bar. Since I'd ridden with my boss, I didn't really have a choice. So we went to the bar. Then another, and another.

Being around alcohol and drunk people is a big trigger--my father was often drunk when he abused me and my sisters. I can't drink because of my chronic illness and some of the meds I take, so I was the only one there who wasn't drunk. I also can't stand for very long, so they basically just left me sitting alone in the corners of bars for hours. No one even said two sentences to me.

Except for the drunk guy at the second bar, not from our group, who hit on me and harassed me and grabbed my breast. I've had extensive martial arts training, and even though I'm not strong enough to do much of that anymore, I could've at least hit him with my cane, or told him to leave me alone, or something. But I didn't. I just sat there and froze and let him. I didn't even say anything, to him or anyone else.

So now I'm majorly triggered, and nothing feels safe. I haven't slept since then. I keep obsessively checking that the windows and doors in my apartment are locked because somebody might try to get in and rape me. I'm having flashbacks I can't control, and I'm fighting urges to do something self-destructive because I know that would stop all the symptoms. I just don't know what else to do--nothing else works, and there's nobody I can talk to.