I've just come back from my T session after not having my other one this week because of a bank holiday over here in the uk.

I started of by saying that I feel I need to come clean and tell her I mananged to get my hands on some diazipam and took them all this week, mind you they ain't as magic as I thought they would be!

Then I said I have this voice shouting at T that she doesn't care! she asked if that was because she never made me come on Tuesday to make up for the missed monday session? I said yes. I said I can;t pick you up and get you this side of the boundarys. She nodded. I said I feel like I can't get anything there anymore, no more comfort. She replied she thinks I can and I am seeing it in either all or nothing thinking and there was more "comfort" to be had.

I then struggling to hold back tears told her that I ain't gonna give in, that I aint gonna surrender to whatever it is that she thinks I should surrender too and she asked me what I meant by that.

I said that I will be weak and then she will leave me, walk away. She said I think your afraid that if your going to allow yourself to feel comfortable and relaxed with her and in there, and trust her then she will tell me that is all been a sham and that I'm not really hers, that I'm adopted

Geez, that did hit the spot, I began to "wake up" the fog that I've been in for days started to clear then this voice in my head was going uh uh! you've been in a fog

I told her this and she said in a very comforting voice that its ok to be in a fog it happens. I said Oh dear, I've forgotten I'm a grown up too Then I could see the real woman sitting there with me the one that I can trust.

But man the tears? they just kept coming, I said I feel like that 5 yr old was abandoned by me a long time ago, I wouldnt do something like that, leave a child hurting, I can't believe i did that. T said that I was a child myself and couldn;t do anything other then what I did do to survive and that I built a shell around me and instead of the shell being strong it is weak and we need to build my strenght up from the inside out, I've trapped all my pain inside.

All the way home tears just came, I had to wear my sunglasses to hide I felt so in touch with the 5yr old inside of me that experienced the shocking news of not belonging to who I thought was mum!

T says taking the pills was an act of anger at myself and at T. I agreed. It was a fingers up to both of us because that 5yr old felt uncared for. I'm waking up now, I'm 45! I remember again.

Geez! ppffftt thats all I can say really! The fog makes everything seem soooooooooo REAL!