From what you've shown in these forums you do abuse alcohol, which is often a first step to alcoholism and should be taken seriously. One thing I was told a while back that really resonated with me is that you have to step outside your comfort zone to stop self destructive. Even though we may hate the way out lives are going, it's still difficult to take that step and do something that might enact real change, because it's too scary. But once you take that step with an open mind it's amazing what can happen. I really hope you get to the point where you can really start helping yourself.