Sometimes with significant others, it gets utterly complicated. I find being very specific about behaviors that upset me, and then tying in why, what from my past and what it will take to resolve that unfilled feeling, is as close to as good as I can get it, without appearing judging of their character,without attacking and without appearing insecure or giving a catch 22 impression. It's a process, getting there. I completely understand the words/actions point you make.
Having people that say they'll help, but don't. Learned in grieving it's a mere polite expression, yet, hurtful no less.

You aren't alone in your struggles. Be gentle in self judgment, assuming others reactions are as result of you, can be a slippery slope.