What the hell??? Has this happened to any of you guys. I have never gone through a period of having sexual memories before. I have felt 'odd' about stuff before, but not thought about it any further.

Please could someone read this if they have the time.It may end up quite long, but I literally don't have anyone to talk to other than my therapist. I don't know anybody else even as a casual acquaintance,let alonee someone to tell this stuff to. I want to ask for help about my therapist and my difficulties in therapy and the fact that I'm now having these memories creeping in makes it all the more important to know how to address this.

I feel like I can't talk to my therapist. Because I was stuck living in a bad domestic abuse situation, (actually with my father,) for so many years always being told I had to stay there and told that I needed medication which gave me crazy side effects, I am now in a position of being 26 and havent had a life at all.I didnt even have a key to the home, and the side effects from the drugs were so bad, I couldnt even do food shopping most the time, and I couldnt cook food there. I only left the house once or twice a month. Because I have lived like that my whole life, my therapist wants my to establish social connection, and she says stuff like 'we can't do anything about the past'. I asked her if a worksheet might trigger me, and she said 'well it's hard with you because everything triggers you.'

I feel like because i can't put what happened into words well, she minimises what happened because I can't explain it. I have spent sooo many years in extreme isolation, some of which were spent in literally total isolation because I didnt go out whatsoever, my verbal communication skills are extremely poor, so conversations are very tough for me.Even though I can't express things verbally properly, I feel a compulsive need to talk about things like the side effects from the drugs, and my diappointment about escaping to a women's refuge and ending up back in the domestic situation i described. I graduated with great grades and had a lot of friends and a job, but because I went on the medication, I got stuck there, and never worked again, or went to university and shortly after I lost all my friends and couldnt leave the house at all. As a result, I havent worked in 8 years or ever had a proper relationship. She has said to me 'everyone has a past' and 'everyone has regrets.' I don't get it. I know some of it is my issues expressing what happened, but I still feel she thinks i'm some weak person who needs to get over it.

I talk about getting stuck in that house at 18 in therapy a lot, but i talk about it in a glazed detached way like I'm a trance almost. She has told me I talk about the past too much and need to work on my present. I have not long left that house though so it is very much my present! She has asked me what getting stuck there alone was like and what the side effects of the drugs were like. I said 'Insane.It was just completely mad' and she said it was best to use words like 'diificult' rather than 'insane' b because that would make me feel better about it but the truth is that I feel it was more than just difficult!! I just ended up agreeing with her.

I feel like she doesn't realise how bad it was.I feel like I don't even realise how bad it was. I am reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman,( which is excellent by the way,) and I have no doubt that I have a traumatic syndrome. I'm completely textbook, and yet my therapist rarely talks about my life in terms of trauma.

My therapist is literally the only person I know in the whole world. I am having memories and dreams of things from childhood that are sexual. I KNOW they are true. They weren't things I had completely forgotten- rather I had a vague memory and pieces have been filled in or the memory was extended a little longer to what happened next. I NEVER used to think that I had anything sexual whatsoever at all, but then again I never used to think I'd been raped, but apparently that wasnt true either. The absolute worst part is that I am having hints of receiving sexual pleasure from what happened. That honestly made me want to die when that came to mind. I havent felt self destructive for a little while, but I feel it coming on now. Sorry this has been so long, but I am literally so alone , and I can't really mention it to my therapist because she has said she just wants to work on increasing my quality of life at the moment. Also, it seems very obvious that she doesnt think I have been through much, and maybe I haven't been through much, but I feel like I have! The intrustive memores about all of it are killing me

Has anyone else been in the same boat as this regarding memories of childhoo sexual stuff? I really need help. I sometimes don't respond to threads I post for while because i get overwhelmed, but I read every reponse, and respond at times I feel I can 'face it' if that makes sense

I feel like my life has been so non existent and only ever been abusive, and after 26 years of literally not being a member of society, to what extent can someone really ever end up ok aftr that? I have literally not been a part of outside normal society my whole life other than the times I went to school as a kid. That is not an exaggeration . I feel that realistically someone can't really ever feel alright and be 'normal' after that. I don't know what the world is like and how to live in it :-(

xx Thankyou for any help xx