(((Hugs)))
I found one part of your post a bit disturbing. You said you were sexually abused as a teenager & you're taking blame for these actions.
PLEASE don't do that! You have to understand that you were a teen, but you did not deserve this treatment. No one does. I think it's a bit harder to discuss csa as a teen bec we think we should've stopped it. This is how I feel anyway. You didn't ask for this & it's ok to treat yourself as a victim bec that's what you are. Responsibility is on your abuser! Not you
I hope this makes sense...took my nite meds & trying to write. Ugh.
Best of luck to you & I agree w/ Kaliope that you need a specialist as a counselor. Their out there & can make a big difference.