Hello Moth-fly: I take it you're still a teenager & living with your parents. So, as long as this is the case you'll presumably both need & want to abide by their wishes. The good news is, even in 2 or 3 years or so, you'd still be young enough to transition beautifully. On the other hand, if you could start now, it might go even better. Basically the younger a person can start, the less time the hormones of your birth gender have to work your body over, so to speak.

As Adespota said, what you describe is pretty much the way it is for trans individuals whose families don't support them. In fact, some trans individuals are thrown out of their homes by their parents. They end up becoming involved with the sex trade as a way of surviving. Some end up being murdered or committing suicide. But they go ahead with their transition, to the extent they are able, whatever the cost because they believe they have no choice.

To be transsexual is not a choice. And if one is transsexual, you're transsexual for life. It does not go away. A person who is transsexual basically has three options: transition, die, or go slowly mad. Now, it is true that not every trans person ends up making a full transition. Some, perhaps many, find some middle ground which feels satisfactory, either temporarily or permanently. But for a transsexual individual to remain in the birth gender for life is a roadmap toward madness. This is, I believe, especially true for MtF transsexuals because of the social stigma involved.

So, the thing is, if you are truly transsexual, you'll have to deal with it one way or another sooner or later. And it is best to figure it out for yourself before you end up becoming an adult, perhaps getting married & even having kids of your own as a man. At that point, it can become particularly messy. But, then, I'm getting way ahead of you at this point!

Another bit of good news here, though, is that nowadays there are many resting places on the gender-identity spectrum besides being fully male or fully female. So full & complete transition is only 1 of many options available to you. The thing that is important now is to begin to figure out where you stand & what you both want & need to do about your gender identity concerns. And the best way to do this is with the help of a therapist who is experienced in working with individuals who have gender-identity issues. Then as you begin to clarify, in your own mind, what you want & need to do, you can begin doing a bit here & a bit there. Done gradually, allot of it may well occur without anyone even noticing.

I know you want to just punch through everything, as you wrote. But, at this point in time, you don't have to make any grand pronouncements or any such thing as that. Just take it a step at a time & let things develop gradually. Then in 2 or 3 years or so, you may well have a better of where you're headed. And you'll be more free to do so.

You asked about hotlines. What did you have in mind? There are many hotlines out there. I don't know of any targeted specifically at persons who are transgendered. But there may be something. Of course there is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline which is for anyone who is dealing with any type of problem. They advertise that one does not need to be suicidal to call. But, if you can post a bit more with regard to what you have in mind, perhaps I, or another PC member, can come up with some additional options for you. My best wishes to you.