OK, wow. I'm surprised at how many people clicked with their Ts from Day 1. I feel "un-clickable". I have *never* felt like I clicked with a T (ok, except maybe Consult-T - who was just consulting and wouldn't take me on as a full-time client).

Thanks to everyone recommending that I talk to him. I will. I'm mentally preparing myself. Yes, he has actually been very good at accepting feedback that I give him and has modified some things. And, he said in the session (we were talking about how the old T asked what I needed, and then accused me of trying to change him!) that he would do whatever was necessary that he could do. So I know he's trying. It just completely throws me when he puts 2 and 2 together and comes up with 17. And, apparently, I'm a bit hypersensitive, because I do end up feeling judged and awful... (like, "you're a horrible person for cutting all these people out of your life! Why didn't you give those poor Ts more of a chance! I bet they were great! What's wrong with you?" *sigh* (and writing that out, and realizing most people maybe don't think that way, then makes me feel even worse and more awful!)

Musinglizzy - That's interesting that you say that about yourself, and are ok with it. It helps me feel a little less judgement from my T saying it, so thank you! But I'm still not sure that's me - if anything, I think that if there's the tiniest sliver of hope, I tend to stay waaaay too long... like I said, the bad T who thought I was trying to change him... I only left because I got kicked out, for example.

re: getting kicked out of therapy, yes and no. For the therapist that I saw for a year, he didn't initially believe in dissociative disorders. I started reading about dissociation, brought it up, he danced around it... but after a year of awful, non-helpful interactions between us, he found an expert to do a consultation who diagnosed me with DDNOS. He had told me that he would "absolutely not" kick me out if I got diagnosed, and then when it happened said "it would be a mixed signal for me to tell you that you need a specialist, and then continue seeing you". So out I went. I know he was doing what he believed to be ethical, but it hurt, and it felt like the entire consultation (which was not cheap!) was a convenient way for him to get rid of me.

With the other one, she was actually his wife. He had referred me very early on (I didn't think I was going to want to work with him initially). I liked her, but after the third session she said that I needed immediate help, and she was going to be going on vacation for 2 weeks and unavailable, so sorry, no more sessions (!!!). It was lame. Even my current T agrees, very poorly handled. I actually *suspect* it was because I had told her that I was self-harming (a friend told me I had to be honest!) - but I wish she would have handled it better. I actually ended up back with the previous one (her husband, who I talked about above) after she kicked me out. Even though he was going on vacation too, obviously.

And when T asked why I thought she kicked me out after 3 sessions, I told him I had an idea but wasn't ready to tell him yet... so now I feel pressured to tell him that too, and I don't want to - especially given I got kicked out for it before!!!

ThisWayOut - Hmmmm I can't remember any other insights or comments tied to that observation. Crap, I don't know. My brain maybe flipped out enough at him saying that, that I didn't hear anything else? Err... I can't remember how I responded either. I don't think I said anything, but it was a weird session (there were some other things he randomly popped out with that completely tossed me for a loop of confusion... *sigh*)

And thanks for remembering! Yes, I've been unsure about this T... but I DO recognize that he's trying, and really appreciate that. It has been noticeably less awful than the previous therapists... how's that for an endorsement?!?

*sigh* I guess this will be first on my list of stuff to talk about this week. Oh, yes, I'm going back this week (starting to try to do every week, hoping that helps, as the list of stuff to talk about seems to be getting longer!)

Xenon - Yeah it's really hard for me to say something "in real time" if he's off base, or if he's doing anything that's freaking me out. We've touched on that a *tiny* bit, so he's aware, and he's actually asked me to please tell him... even if it's not right away (i.e. next session) and even if I have to write it out. And, yes, he's been good about hearing feedback and not being defensive. So, yes, I can see that I should (and will) bring it up with him. Thanks... you make really good points...

AsiaBlue - I very much resonate with what you're saying! I think the problem is, you can't really *force* yourself to feel like someone has good judgement, or to trust them. You can decide to share information with them (and I've done that), you can give them the benefit of the doubt and try out their advice to see if it works, you can do all sorts of things... but yeah, if that *feeling* isn't there, I don't know how you can create it, and I don't know what to do if you *never* feel that way with any therapist.

Thanks...