I went to the station to pull a shift with him and my friend yesterday night. I texted both of them. I asked him if he and our other friend were the only ones there, and he told me they were. So, I used the last of my gas to make the trip up there to see him and pull a shift. Well, before I even got there I got a text from the other friend, letting me know that he was bringing a friend... It was her. I resolved that I would not let this deter me, but I was crushed and felt like I couldn't cope. So, I spent some time in a local grocery store restroom collecting myself. Then, still not able to cope, I decided to park far back in the parking lot and cut... So, I did. And it didn't really make anything better. My friend offered me gas money so I could go home, because he didn't want me upset when they arrived; she was already in the truck with them. And she was staying the night. I thought I'd be okay, and - once I finally stopped bleeding - I went on to the station. However, I completely broke down when I got there. I just couldn't understand why this was happening, and I was very hurt. So, I got everything I needed, left the cheesecake (homemade cheesecake that I made lovingly, might I add), and got ready to leave - before they even arrived. But my car would not start. After multiple efforts, I gave up, and sat there, crying like a baby, saying that I couldn't handle this, I couldn't cope with seeing them together, again, and I just wanted to go home... Right as they pulled up, the car finally started. My other friend came over to comfort me. I ended up showing him my arm, with all of the humiliating and shameful cut marks; some not even an hour old, some months old. He offered to go inside and get my sweater for me, since I needed it, but he knew I wasn't prepared to go inside, where my best friend and his friend were. I gladly accepted his help. He asked me if I was okay to drive home; I assured him I was. I took my sweater and drove all of the way home, crying my eyes out the whole time.
Isn't it funny how those we love the most have the power to hurt us the most?
Since I saw them together, on October 31st, I've repeatedly engaged in self-harm. That night, but not by cutting, just scratching and pinching with my nails. Then, November 3rd, November 5th, November 6th, November 7th... My cutting has gone way up. I'm very concerned, especially since these razor blades I have go deeper. I feel completely unequipped to handle this, and I accidentally missed my last session with my psychologist. Tomorrow, I start new medication, in addition to what I'm already taking. With all of this, I'm considering inpatient treatment.
I feel crazy and out of control.
I love him, but he's absolutely killing me. Thank God, that I have that other friend. He really has been my rock and my support through this whole thing. And he knows that I cut, now, too, and he made me promise to call him before cutting. And I will. He texted me this morning to check on how I was doing. I'm fortunate to have such a great friend.
I'm afraid of myself and of my future and of everything; I don't know what's next. Clearly, I have to get used to the idea of him hanging out and flirting with this other girl, but I don't want her presence to drive me away and drive us apart. But it's so painful to see them together... I don't know what to do. I need to be okay with them being together, because he may likely bring her back. And I want to be there, too. I love him, and he's still my best friend. He promised that we'd stay very close, no matter who he ends up with, one night, while we were cuddling in his bed. And I hope he upholds that promise, but I don't see how he can if I feel like I have to leave every time he brings her over...
How do I cope?