I have always felt I had this odd spectrum of different problems. But I recently I have come to a realization. It all stems from the same thing. I am going to try my best and articulate it, but I'm not certain how.

I have this very odd fear of "losing control". I don't know if those are the right words. Let me give you a solid example. I have a very regular sleep schedule. I rise early, get to work by 8, leave by about 5. This suits me. Now, the job I have allows me to pick my own hours. I took this job specifically for that reason. Why? Because the idea of having a job that says: "you HAVE to be at work from 8 to 5" terrifies me. Even though... I work from 8 to 5 every day. Do you start to see where I'm coming from?

Let me give another example, one that affects me greatly. I have good people and friends in my life. They often want to socialize. Great! I enjoy socializing with them. However - let's suppose the plan is to socialize from 5 PM - 10 PM at some location, and everyone is riding together to get to that location. STOP. I will not go. Why? Can't ride in their car. Why? Well - what if I want to leave? No way to leave. Loss of control. I'll decline hanging out and go home and be alone, the whole time wishing I was with my friends. The exception is when I take my own car, even though I know I'm not going to want to leave. But see now, I can if I want to.

Another big example, and probably the one that made me realize it. I'm anorexic. Why? The reasons are stupid. It's my body, and I will do with it what I want. Go to a dangerously stupid low weight? Well - why not? I can. Again. Control.

Work - how it affects me. Meetings. Can't handle a meeting. I do everything to avoid them. I straight out ignore them and skip them, even when it's important I attend. Why? The idea of being there for one hour, one solid hour, the idea I'm giving that hour away. Can't handle it.

Losing contact with friends. Can't make a phone call. Why? What if the conversation is long. Losing the time. Can't handle it.

Everyone in my family is an alocholic/drug addict. Dad died from drinking. I don't drink or get high. Is it because I"m afraid I'll be a drug addict like the rest of them? No - I just hate the loss of control. The idea that I'm "commiting" to a certain number of hours (time I'd be high), I can't handle it. Truth is, I desperately want to get high, and to get drunk with everyone else.

Now the one I fear. Suicide. I have been stuck in an existential crisis the past 5 years. I can not escape the reality that I will die, that my time is finite. I obsess over it. How will it happen. When will it happen? Perhaps because it is the ultimate loss of control. For the past year and a half I have started seriously considering suicide. I'll be damned if I'm not the one to control my ending in this world. The past 9 months have been scary, and I have written my letter, made arrangements for after I die, reserched the optimal way to end myself, it's all figured out. I'm not even really depressed.

Is there a term for this? is this a real thing, or am I just grasping at straws here, making connections where they don't exist? I don't want to live like this. It ruins me.