Inacorner, I completely emphasize and understand. I spent two years addicted to pills. Taking everything my hands could get on. I always told myself I could stop, and some days I could. But whenever the anxiety hit I was right back at that place, swallowing five at a time. Its a long road and though Im clean now, i cant take pain meds even when I have pain and everytime I walk into a drugstore or supermarket my heart races and the urges come back so clearly. It took a bleeding stomach to get me to stop, well that and acknowledging I had a problem. Being cognizant of the problem is the first major step, so you're on your way, but hold on. You can do it!!!