Do you really want to stay with a man you're afraid of? It sounds like you are going to counseling alone. I'ld see more hope for this situation, if he were going with you . . . if it were couples counseling. I doubt he's going to be too receptive to any ideas he thinks you are getting from your counselor. He's going to take it that you are talking about him to the counselor and see that as a betrayal.

If you are frightened of him, then it sounds like you don't really trust him. That's a bad situation to be in. Can't say as I've had experience directly related to this. I have seen up close how placating someone doesn't really improve things. You set that precedent, and then, over the years, you create a monster. It's like giving in to a tantrum-throwing child.

Another thing I've heard is that domestic situations that have a potential for violence aren't really well understood by professionals who have not worked extensively with women in that kind of setting. Your counselor may be underestimating how unlikely to change your partner is.

You talk about getting "rules slapped" onto you. Who is this man to be slapping rules onto you? Sounds like you are being bullied.