Thanks - that makes sense.

I am afraid that not all those wonderful tips and advice from assertiveness courses are realistic and easy to implement.

How do I find the exact term?

Basically, these phrases, e.g. "I'm unhappy that we don't go out much together and would like us to do more together, what are your thoughts?" , look great on paper, and might be great within exchanges that are structured, contained, and facilitated by third parties. E.g. in a group therapy or class or course setting, everyone agrees on using "I statements" and everyone obliges, and if somebody forgets, the group facilitator gently corrects that person.

But when you take those tips into a real life setting and try to use them on a person who has not been trained to use them, they may sound stilted.

Remember that you are not at work. "scheduling activities", "brainstorming", "what are your thoughts?" are words and word expressions that belong in the workplace. Really, if somebody came to me and said: "Let us search for commonalities, schedule activities and brainstorm together" AT HOME, I would be spooked by it and sort of taken by surprise. There is a reason there is a divide between home and workplace.

Let us take a look at what he said.

" I'm sore and tired from long hours at work"

This is a sentence written in normal, fluid, idiomatic plain English. No corporate speak.

So you are using the course material lingo on him and he responds in plain English.

You are speaking in two different languages. He speaks in plain English and you speak in stilted communications course language. You need an interpreter!

Please do not take it personally - I have always wondered out loud what the designers of all those communications and assertiveness courses are thinking, because you cannot implement their approaches in real life.

Basically, in a nutshell, communication courses teach communication - they do not teach how to talk. Your partner is talking and you are communicating. Once again, you need an interpreter to go between you guys.

Just do not take it personally - what I am basically saying is that the course teachers have convinced you that the approach they are teaching works, but in reality it breaks down.

Do not use those artificial sounding expressions again on him because they won't work. They will make it worse.

We can help lighten up your messages. Also, if you do not get much time to say what yo u think, you can email him. But be more casual and try to speak the same language that he speaks - plain English.

I hope I have not offended you.

Another thing is if you are frightened, then maybe you should listen to your gut instinct. When you are frightened, what does your gut instinct say?.. It does not say: "I need to communicate better, brainstorm more effectively, and engage him in sedentary activities to find commonalities and live happily ever after", does it?

It says: "RUN". So you go outside. Your going outside means that you really should just go - leave him. Go all the way.