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And I need to figure out what it is I want from him

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I think this is very important and worthy of a lot of thought and journaling. When you figure it out, you can tell him, and maybe he can provide. Or maybe he can't. But I think just knowing what you want will be therapeutic. My T has asked me before, early on, what is it I want from him. This was in the context of our dream analysis and it took me a while to figure it out, and I was able to tell him in a symbolic, dream-like way. Later in session he did something that fulfilled what I wanted, without knowing it, and I almost exclaimed "eureka," that's what I was talking about, that's what I wanted. It was a peak moment. And he was so glad to know, in a concrete way, WTH I had been talking about. At other times, he has said he wants me to tell him my needs, do I want more, less, etc. I was bowled over by someone asking me to tell them my needs, as I had never heard that request before and didn't know I could tell someone my needs, that it was permissible. I am not that great at it, but I try. And now that we are doing a bit of couples therapy, I have told him in advance what I want from the experience, and in particular what I am hoping to get from my husband by bringing him to therapy with me. T works hard in session with us, to bring this on home for me, as I've told him what I need from my husband. I think, through therapy, I am learning better how to tell people my needs. I never ever did before. This abililty in me is still in its infancy, but I see how powerful it can be. Risky, yes, but powerful in helping to establish connection and meaning with others. I wonder why no one ever told me, decades ago, how valuable telling people your needs can be? Why isn't there some kind of manual of essential knowledge that we are given at birth that we can refer to as we grow up and develop? Why did no one ever tell me before to tell people my needs? Then I could have been learning and practicing this all along instead of now just coming to it as a newbie in my 40s. I have so been missing out. I guess as a young'un, my needs were not met and so it became scary to even let people know I had needs for fear of rejection. I am trying to let go of that way of being!

Sorry for the digression! Your posts are often so thought-provoking, pink, that I can't help but run off with my musings.