Y, I'm so sorry to hear how you are suffering right now and all these thoughts ruminating through your mind, it must be very unnerving to you.

Please forgive me for not knowing about you better, but I have some questions for you.

Do you have a T or pdoc that you can speak to about all this? Are you on any meds at all and if so, are they not working for you at this time?

I see you are over 18, so that would mean that legally you have the right to leave your parents home without any intrusion. Does your illness prevent you from living on your own?

Feeling like you want to die is a sign of depression. Please know that those feelings do not have to be acted upon. I do get the impression that you really wish to work on your situation to make it better and that's a good thing!

Have you looked into getting SSI/SSDI at all? How about community housing in your area? That kind of housing goes by a percentage of your income and you may find it very affordable.

Just some ideas off the top of my head. I see you are into music and producing, why not try to keep your mind on that for awhile, it may help calm you a bit so that everything doesn't feel so critical and anxiety ridden for you.

Please take good care of yourself in the mean time. We care about you!