I don't think I could feel anymore not here and trapped someplace that is pulling me and won't let me go than if I were really there. Just because a certain date of this time of year is gone does not mean it stopped for me. I feel far away, afraid to come back, afraid not to, afraid to let anyone know. Would it really matter anyways?

I know to stay in the present, to ground yourself, to know it is not happening now, but knowing all that and finding yourself unable to be where you know in your head is where you are to be, is another thing. You cannot stop your dreams, there is nothing that I have done or could do to determine those, but they still come, still feel as real as the day they happened, still feel the presence of those I don't want to remember there, and nothing in this time and place can make those dreams or these feelings to disappear as if they were not there and pulling me----away.

Depression, this feeling of walking through a fog that has chains holding you with no way of breaking lose, the almost feeling as though everything and one around you is not really there but transparent, like your looking at what is standing right there, yet it could disappear if you blink or go to reach for it. My head hurts, and I feel I am fighting to hold on to today.

Everything feels unreal, not safe, and as if it could or will disappear and I don't want to close my eyes, where will I be if I do and open them? I know that I slept last night, but I feel as exhausted as if I didn't, and I feel so tired like I have been running for days, and yet I am afraid to stop. Even sitting here feels this sense of running, in my mind, typing fast to be sure these words get here. It is exhausting me more and I didn't even know that was possible.

I ran all night, in my sleep, and though I can feel this sense of what I was running from, I cannot recall it, just this sense of running, trying to get away, somehow chained to the fog that was surrounding me, and though running I could never get away. Everywhere I turned there was something, awaiting me there and I had to run the other way, only to turn into another place I knew I was terrified to be. Though the chain seemed long, it never let me go, it always brought me back, and it felt and feels heavy.

I was surrounded by something everywhere within that fog, and that fog is still there, even though I am awake. And I am running, still. I don't know from what, but I am afraid to stop. I am afraid to be me, for I am not. It feels something is attached, I cannot shake it. Something that makes me untouchable, poison, and reject-able. Something that separates me from everything good, the good is far away.

No, I'm not crazy, I'm lost, and I'm afraid. Afraid to reach out, afraid not to. So the silence of these words are reaching out----silently. I feel rejected here, rejected there, but somewhere attached to both and unable to get away from either. And even though rejected there, they will not let go, even though rejected here, I am afraid to let go, the world is spinning and I will be swallowed up but I don't know where it is swallowing me up to. That almost dying sense, a sense I feel. That sense of breathing, then not, then breathing again. That deep breath taken when air finally came back. I........remember.

Shadows at times seem to pass by, no one else sees them, or even knows they are there, but we do. The past so close the present seems so far away. Someone is very close, and afraid. Shh screams.....seems to be blocking me, afraid to be here, terrified to be there, and I am caught somewhere in-between, afraid to reach out, but afraid not to. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm not. I'm just somewhere no one else can be, holding on to somewhere I know I need and want to be.

And I feel afraid. Maybe that fear alone will keep me here enough to figure out how to get back. I don't know. I'm tired but I cannot stop running in my head, even though I am awake. I need to go. I am afraid this does not make sense, just like me.................and I'm so sorry.