Why did you take down your original Post????? I realized if I could realistically take enough regularly to sleep fully through the next month and a half I had to much on hand. So like I do always when we have to much meds I grouped them all together (leaving me with 7 of the lowest dose) and desolved them. Usually then we would put it in Kitty litter but we didn't have. So I was just going to dump it. I almost impulsively took it instead of dumping it. Then I was upset I didn't. I'm never impulsive that way. That's the last thing I expected. I'm still impulsive,angry and my heads running. I'm curled up on my bed safe questioning wtf else will happen if I move. So that's why I took it down.

Most of the reason I don't attempt suicide is due to fear not succeeding and ending up IP. If I didn't have that I probably wouldn't be alive. I do not want to take that fear away. However it looks like I may end up IP anyway. Honestly our home is safer then any hospital could ever be.

I don't view your post as mean and always take your posts to heart. I really don't think I mess with My meds that much (outside this year) but I have only had very short live okay ness. When "stable " other symptoms pop up. I/we really did try to get our meds. I do take them properly when I have enough and they're shaped properly. I'm completely honest. I do think I make myself look less stable then I am.I notice night is worse for me.

We still looked put together. We're still cooking, cleaning, and hanging out with Miguel. We're the type that if something was to happen everyone would never expect it from us.Currently we have no place for him that is safe to stay. We are honestly the most put together of are family that can handle Miguel. Seriously. I wish things were just better.

We were so excited that we finally were in a place that we won't be out of state and low on meds 4 + months out of the year. November through Febuary is always our worst time of year. I've always been the strong one through depression but I'm guessing this is mixed.

Do you want stability? Right now? no. I feel the best solution is no longer existing and that would end the question of "an I safe is my family safe" because everyone would be safe from now on. Never having to question that again but again I'm to afraid of ****ing up and landing in IP so I am safe. I have no hopes that stability is in the cards for me without making me a shell of a person. I'd rather be like this and deal. I'd much rather tools then meds.