This is what I feel right now...

Right now I am writing this. I am in tears and I am in my bed. I miss my therapists so much. But they dont miss me. I love them. They are my family and I can't ever see them again... Words cannot describe the unbearable nature of such things... Healthy people simply move on, and I am not healthy. Or maybe its because I need them more than they need me. Maybe it's because they despise me after having seen how ****ed up I am. Maybe they abandoned me because I deserve it.* These thoughts overwhelm me - and they are very real. Right now I am snuggling up to my pillow - it is now saturated in tears. I move my legs around to feel the softness of the sheets on top and underneath me. I am soothed by it all. A bed to me is my ultimate retreat, because I can shut out the world, I can add blankets to make me warm - or lighten them to make me cool. I can hide under the sheets and weep - I can roll my fingers over my soft pillow case - like I did when I was a child... I can collapse into something fully and it will hold me up - regardless of the burdens I carry... I can feel surrounded by warmth - touched by warmth - and engulfed in it all. I can put on a diaper and feel the softness and protection that it offers me. I can put it on tight until it hurts - so that I can feel what it is like to be hugged. In the end - I still need a hug - but no one is there to give me one. I can lock the door to my bedroom so no one can come in but I leave it unlocked anyways. Someone please come save me... Who would want in anyways? I can turn on a fan to drown out the triggering sounds all around me. The quiet is no more or less painful. Life sounds so painful to me. I can feel the wind blowing across my face - and I can listen to the sound the fan makes as it spins back and forth. I can hear the wind hit objects throughout my room; a piece of paper - the soft cover of a book - the blinds on my window or a plant in the corner of the room. How something so repetative could be so comforting - I do not know. Perhaps because it is predictable. Because it can't hurt me... I can experience the stillness of life in my room and remain aware of my isolated bubble. I can't see the dust billowing around but I know it is there. The loneliness, hurts, so, much... I can listen to the echoes of life outside of mine; the cars passing by, the birds chirping... I can hear the laughter of women and men - knowing that all around me - at this very second - people are being hugged, they're being loved and they are living life how it is meant to be lived. My therapists are feeling joy, they are busy doing life things without any idea or care that I am in hell. They say they care - but they don't care nearly as much as I care about them. They don't understand how going away can ruin my life. How not calling me back can destroy my spirit. And how simple words they say can make me retreat to my bed in order to handle the distress that comes with being their child in need... I can hear my neighbors making love - and it burns. My neighbors right next door. It's agony. I want to be held so bad. Someone to hold my hand. I call my friends, I send text messages - but no one replies. No one cares because if they did - they would reply immediately. I am a burden and we all know it. Why am I still trying? I am incapable of being loved, so why should I try? I'm the one that gets hurt the most... If only they knew what I was going through. If only they knew how far one hug could go, one single word, one single phrase - that it could keep me from harming myself. That I could be someone. That I could live life how it is meant to be lived. That I can experience life just like they do - if only they could be there when I need them most. I scream inside for help - when I am in the company of others - but I am emotionally mute. They'll never understand. They say they do - but they don't. I would rather feel the pain of being silenced than suffer more abandonement. But I hope someday I will meet someone - who will look at me: and hug me. Because I will melt. I will melt.