AG, I so can identify with you. After a hospitalization I had a lot of the same fears that you express. I was terrified of someone forcing me to be hospitalized against my will. I had nightmares about being in the hospital, and it's not an experience I ever want to repeat. I think as long as you are telling your therapist or pdoc that yes have those thoughts but are not going to act on them, they won't put you in the hospital. They understand that those thoughts go along with major depression. I also read everything I could get my hands on about psych hospitals and mental illness, and this definitely did not help things. My therapist encouraged me to leave all my books at her office - and I did. It may be helpful to leave all that stuff with someone else for a while so you won't be tempted to read it. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but things do get better. Keep reaching out to people.