My family has put me on watch here at home. My husband took all the knives and all my medication and hid it. I'm actually home alone for the first time in a few days right now and I almost wasn't allowed to stay home. All my doctors are trying to put me inpatient but I'm refusing because I can't leave my husband alone right now (he is having his own issues right now).

I just don't know when this is going to end. How much longer can I be haunted by images of self harm? How much longer can I be so depressed? How much longer can I be on disability from work? I just don't understand. When is the ECT going to work? I'm on my tenth session I think. I should be feeling something by now. I wish I could go inpatient, maybe then something would change.

I keep telling myself bipolar is cyclical and this can't go on forever. But it's been since June.

I can just hope the ECT will start to work soon. I've got nothing else.