A lot of the issue is tht I am triggered so frequently and so severely, and I never knoww when it's going to happen. To be honest, even just saying ''26 years without really living-what a nightmare!'' triggered me. it''s weirdvbecause I want validation, and yet I cannot handle the truth.I am in a very disassociated state most of the time and I was housebound until very recently which protected me from a lot of triggers. the dissociation is very severe and acts as a buffer. When something really breaks through though, the disassociation isnt sufficient and doesn't protect me enough eg. if an unexpected comment made to me really hits home or if I get memories breaking through.

I can actually do self hypnosis and go into trance- I have done it since I was a kid by twirling bits of rope in my hands. I still do this now because it puts me in a trance, and takes away the pain.

Btw. it's not your fault for saying my whole life has been a nightmare. You're right. It's just that the truth is something that overwhelms me more than I think its going to. When comments or images bring the enormity of what has happened to my consciousness and my disassociative powers don't have time to kick in I go into a weird cold state of shock...I literally get cold. These past few days after having a particular memory, I went into shock, and the enormity of my whole life hit me and I weighed up the likelihood of ever being ok, and realistically the odss aren't on my side. I don't think anyone could say i have a good chance of ever having happiness after this. I have been having very detached philosophical suicidal thoughts these past few days about feeling hopeless about my chance of coming to terms with it all.

I go over the worst bits or 'hot spots' as the author of this book on ptsd calls in my head all the time. Its like a broken record in my head. Because it's such a crazy story, my own mind can't believe it.I managed to get away to a womens refuge and started to recover, but ended up stuck at my mothrs instead of my fathers afteerwards due to being homeless and no moey at all, and the same thing happened with the medications again to the point that prior to going to my mother's I was starting to recover and was going out and had a friend for the first time in years, and my ptsd symptoms were improving gradually. When I went to my mother's, I was on constant medications which made me worse, I became completely housebound and didn't leave the house at all for 14 months. I became very thin due to lack of food. I was not as thin at my mothers as I had been at my dad's though. When I lived with my dad, because it was so hard to cook anything to eat and because I was frequently housebound, at one point I weighed 6 stone or less- I am 5 ft 7 and I have never had an eating disorder, so that's 84 lbs or less just from depression and the situation!

I had tried to leave multiple times but the side effects frequently made my attempts unlikely to work. That and the fact that I had no experience of everyday life meant that I didn't understand how to do basic things for myself, and didn't know where to go for help.Pus, I had no money and no job, and had very bad trauma symptoms which freaked people out...I would jump out my skin of someone came near me. If anyone tried to hug me, I'd put up my hands to protect my head like they were about to hit me. I first managed to get away when I was 19 and during a manic episode brought on by the medication, and also exacebated by the fact I had no money and was desperate, I actually briefly worked as a prostitute! The lack of familiarity with social situations and the fact that I genuinely thought you had to say yes to men for everything, ( like if they ask you to look for someone with them at night, you had to,) meant I have always been a target for assault and then felt like damn idiot afterwards. and I would always end up at my dads and I had no one to tell anyway. I feel so mad that I managed to get away to a womens refuge and they told me they would give me a home, and then at the last minute they tell me they can't give me a home and I was homeless again, and I ended up back in the family situation...whatever the hell that can be called.I was certain when i went to the refuge that i was finally free, and yet i ended up back there again. I feel like I can never be certain I am free ever again

. I am currently only being treated with a mood stabiliser- It is unclear whether I have bipolar or not since i took ssri medication since I was 18, so cant do a fair diagnosis. However, i guess I am on a simlar medication regiment now of just a modd stabiliser. It would explain my reaction to ssris because ssri medication causes mania in people with bipolar if used on it's own.

I can see why my therapist would want me to have more social support first, but i dont think she understands that I have spent so long in isolation and have only started going out my house at all in the last few weeks. I think group support would be tough because I dont know what group Proably a general post traumatic stress group would be best, but probably she wouldn't think that was a good idea at the moment because group support would involve talking about the trauma and triggering stuff

Thankyou for all the replies xxx