I cut today and it was really weird because I can't recognize when I gave myself permission to do it. Working with T has helped me gain a lot of awareness of what triggered the idea (whether a specific event or just a mood) and what I am needing out of that specific event of self harming. I'm not really sure of why I chose to do so today, but I am cognizant of the fact that church service (though really good) left me feeling convicted (as it sometimes should). I can't say for sure that that is the motive behind this episode, but it would be a good guess.

What I can't figure out is when I made up my mind to do it...there is usually that moment when I'm like "oh forget it; i'm doing it..." but this was so weird. I went to service (enjoyed it), dropped off my Operation Christmas Child boxes (the highlight of my Christmas season every year), went to Starbucks and filled out some "thinking of you" cards I purchased for my friends - then came home and immediately went for my razor (before I turned the lights on, or used the restroom, anything) and just slashed (over 150 cuts but none too big and never too deep).

I don't feel like I got it all out, nor do I know what IT is and most importantly I can't figure out when I decided to do it. It's always been a control thing for me - I know well what I am doing when I do it. But this time, it seemed almost (but not quite) out of my hands - like it really "just happened".

My moods been good, I went on about my day afterwards as if I had simply had a cup of coffee, no big deal. And I can't say I regret it. I don't know, it just feels weird not to be completely sure that I was in control over my own body.

Not sure that i'm asking for anything as much as just writing it out/processing. Anyone else (who's in control of their self harm) ever had such an experience?