thanks Kiya... if it were not my stupid family I probably wouldn't have anxiety, they made me fear of everything, i don't believe in myself, doubt everything I try to do, feel guilt for everything... even feel guilty and like I am a bad person when I lie small lies which probably everyone sometimes says, like 'yeah I did laundry already' and play videogames as a bad character... today I played as a sith, made some dark side decisions, and I feel like I am a bad person now, not my character...and I feel totally unreal, kind of 'watch everything, but don't see', my hands are not mine, my room, everything, like part of my consciousness would turn of .__. eh.
I wanted to move out, but with agoraphobia and somatic panic attacks I can't even go out too far by myself for about 4 years already.. Now I struggle with going to gp doctor again, in last week I've been to doc but he said I'm ok, but it's impossible, I feel like I have a flu or something, no fever<actually haven't had fever for years> but I cough all the time, feel pain in muscles and bones, throat:/ but anyway I won't go alone to doctor even if it's like 7 min from my home.. So I don't know, I stuck here :c
I used to look for other options but I feel like I have none now, I feel like I'm just existing, had better month or two which were like little ray of light, but then I came back again to somatic attacks, loosing control over my anxiety, fear of going even for a walk with my dog.. I want to live, but living like this isn't really living ._.