^^ There is stuff written on there like the prostitution thing that i have never told my therapist. so I am scared that I have written it due to the possibility of judgement!! A lot of it was due to the mania from the drugs. Also on the rare times I have known anyone since I left school, it has almost always been a coercive situation like when i was very briefly in my only 'relationship', I don't count it as a boyfriend,) with a much older man who would shoot me up with crack and heroin and things, and I hoped he would help me, but I just ended up bouncing from one place to another and all these men wanted to do was inject me with drugs and be sexual when al I wanted was help getting away from my father because I didnt know anyone. they would pretend they would help me with my life, and I was so desperate i believed them, but I was just being used. I feel like all people have ever wanted to do is drug me!

I am amzed I have written all this stuff down. It doesn't sound like a real story, but there is so much more, and it is real. even when i wrote the part about thinking I had to say yes to men about everything even if they asked me to help them find someone at night, I got a memory coming though that i know is real of something that happened that is related to that.

Its crazy how much I have accepted as what I deserved. I have only recently started to see certain things that happened to me as maybe rape and sexual assault...I felt like if you agreed to sex once on a night then that means they can do what they want to you later on even if you're asleep and even if they dont ask and its really rough, because you had consensual sex with them once. I am starting to see now that I dont think that's true.

To be honest, i feel like when people read this stuff though, they're just thinking 'you're ****ed' and that i can't have a happy life, but that they can't tell me that because this is a support forum.Lol. :-/

xxxx