When I was a child I experienced trauma (death of Dad & suicide of brother) within 18 months of each other, plus sexual abuse and domestic violence from my Mum's defacto.

I couldn't deal with things and at around age 12 I started self harming in a variety of ways. I began taking drugs and ended up with a multi-drug dependency syndrome which resulted in me being admitted to rehab when I was 17. In between the drugs I self harmed in lots of different ways. I cut myself with razors, often carving letters or words into my arm; I burnt myself with cigarettes; I pierced my own ear with a sewing needle, etc. etc.

My SI stopped when I was about 20, but I have been left with C-PTSD which throws me into the most intense emotional seas. When that happens, it's not uncommon for me to dig my nails into my own flesh or pull at my hair, but I haven't cut or done anything more than this for years and years.

Over the past 18 months I have been in the absolute worst place I can ever remember. The reality of my past, together with currently being in an abusive relationship with a fully fledge pathological narcissist, has done my head in. I've been suicidal at times and self-harmed via risky drug taking. To say I've been struggling is an understatement, BUT through all of this I didn't engage in any SI ..... until the last week.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I had this desire to cut myself. I don't even know where it came from but I think it was my dysfunctional way of dealing with the enormous stress I have been under, plus the futility of my situation. Once I did one cut, I did more and more over the last few days culminating in about 20 cuts, with each one feeling better (or as good) as the last.

What I can see that has happened now is that my old bad ways of coping, have reared their ugly head again. Now I've done it again and got a taste for it, I fear that this will be another default mode of coping when things just get too much.

I'm 50 now .... 30 years have gone by, and here I am acting like that lost teenager again. WOW .... never thought I'd be here after all these years.

Jannaku xx