Hello.

I'm terrified to be here, doing this. There are a lot of judgemental people and adult bullies online, and I'm pretty scared that I'm going to be bashed for some reason, and I already feel badly enough about myself.

So for anyone that for some reason wants to say horrible negative things to me, I'm asking that you please try not to. I mean no harm being here. I just feel desperate for just someone to tell me I'm not wrong in saying this ...

I think I am being emotionally abused in my marriage. I think my husband is either a sociopath or has a very serious personality/character disorder. He has me starting to think I am crazy ... but I know he's wrong - I'm a very sane, reasonable woman. and I can't figure out why he wants me to think otherwise??? I'm left with a confusion that is making me question myself.

My situation is very unique. I live in a rural area, quite a distance from neighboring towns, and I do not have a vehicle to get around in. Taxis into town are very expensive and we are not wealthy. I can get into town once a week with my husband. Other than that ... I am alone all the time, in a little house, in the middle of nowhere. The only person I ever speak to is my husband. I have a sister in town that I email sometimes, and a friend in another country that I email quite bit. I have two dogs, one of which is very important to me. I love them both dearly and they help me cope.

I actually don't mind being so isolated ... if I didn't feel so beaten down and crushed by the abuse. I went to a PsycheCentral page "Signs of Emotional Abuse" and answered a VERY strong YES!!! to 23 out of the 27 questions (the Codependance doesn't apply to my situation). I've read many articles on sociopathic behavior and my husband fits everything to a T, except for the lying (at least I don't think he lies).

He is very condescending, patronizing, belittling. He will tell me I am "out of control" if I say even one word to tell him he has hurt my feelings. He insults me. Many times when he says something very cruel to me, he sais "I'm just trying to be funny", but it's not funny at all! I never can do anything right, even when I follow his instructions perfectly. All of my ideas are sub-par and he always has a better way. If I say that the sky is blue ... he would -- I kid you not -- say "No, the sky is blue." It makes me shake my head sometimes in complete disbelief. Why???? He makes me feel ugly and says negative things about the way I look. He acts as if he is a father a lot of the time, looking down his nose at me.

He wasn't like this when I met him and was very charming all through our dating (we are both middle aged and previously married). He only started all of this about a month after we married. It started by him forcing himself on me even though it was a very bad time and I begged him not to - I was worried that my breath might be a bit off because I hadn't eaten all day and sometimes that happens. He said "you're my wife!!!!" and forced and forced, taking physical control of me and sticking his nose at my mouth. He then said "Yeah, you smell like a sewer." I was crushed. He just walked away. WHY????

When I got my hair cut, he said "I like your hair!" I thought that was nice and felt so good that he actually complimented me. He then said "It's better than that mop you used to have"

If I make a joke, he rewords it right after me - one upping me - always.

And he will also ignore me completely. I can speak right to him and he won't even look at me and won't even hear me.

He has frightened me with "in my face, teeth gritted" rage, for no reason at all - but hasn't actually hit me. But I do fear that someday he will. He is very rough with me when he shows affection. He has caused me welts and bruises. He also yanked my head back by my hair so hard once that I thought he had broken my neck ... but it was an accident. But he is so rough. I ask him to be a little more careful and he just laughs and says "I'm just showing my affection. I'm just showing my enthusiasm"

After five years of marriage, I know that not only do I not like him anymore, I don't love him either. I know that I need to get out of this relationship .... problem is, I have nowhere to go, no money, no vehicle and not a friend in the world. My sister is on disability and lives in a tiny one room apartment with her cat and she wouldn't have me anyway because unfortunately, she is an alcoholic that thinks I don't know she is drinking and doesn't want me to know. And I have my little dog that I absolutely refuse to leave behind - leaving her is not an option for me. I would rather suffer than leave her.

I am working full time on looking for an on line job - some way to make a bit of money for myself so that I can at least finance a vehicle for myself. That is my first priority. And then to be able to save up some money secretly, make a plan, so that one day I can just up and leave.

So why am I here? Just hoping for a friendly person or two that might have a few coping techniques I can try in the meantime. And I guess just in hopes that there are some ladies out there that can tell me he is wrong - I'm not ugly, useless, stupid, and worthless.

Sigh. I hope I'm not a sitting duck here that is about to he pummelled with "why are you still there?" "Are you stupid?" and "maybe he's right"