This may be nothing... but...

You spoke of not wanting to see your T or being embarrassed and you also spoke of "shame on your husband" I think... or something like that that makes me want to ask .... you have shame for having sex or having your T buy you something and do not wish for her to see you.

Do you still like your T or feel shame for her for wishing to fulfill a need in you.... ?

You are deserviing of these things...(assuming you enjoyed your husband)

Was this any pattern in your past of feeling shame for asking what you felt you needed?

I think that there is such a thing as unconditional receiving though I think there are so many of us that feel guilty of doing that. If only we can accept it without strings and enjoy it. I feel more comfortable giving without expecting anything rather than receiving something without something to reciprocate with. Ultimately it would be nice if we could do either without expectations and simply enjoy the experience. Easier said that done.

Your previous T is a prime example of the experience of trying to stand up for yourself and being guilted.

Sorry..... I can relate in many ways Withit.