I really feel like I need to get this off my chest. It just feels better telling just someone what I've been going through, even if it's not even that much, and I do understand that there are people out there that have problems that are far worse than mine. I feel so pathetic, I feel like my problems aren't even bad compared to everyone else on this website. You don't have to reply, it doesn't make much difference to me if you don't.
Well, I guess I'll start where my problems all began. In 4th or 5th grade, I made a terrible mistake. A mistake I'm not comfortable with admitting. The effects of that mistake followed me all the way up to now. You're probably thinking, what could have possibly happened way back then that is so bad that it made you depressed even now? Plenty of things actually. Before then, I had a really happy life. I had plenty of friends, I loved sports, I was athletic, (I use that term lightly as this was in 4th grade and before) and I had no problems, aside from the usual I hate school thing that happens when you're a kid. The main reason it hit so hard was because I was approaching middleschool. This is the time when you learn to talk to people, make friends, talk to girls, figuring out what clique you're in you learn all of those extremely important social skills. While everybody else was doing that, getting a general idea of what they want to do in the future, figuring out who they are, what they like, etc, I was busy. I missed out on all of that, and as a result, it stumped my social skills. 6th grade came, its the first year of middleschool, this is where my life should start picking up. Nope. I lost most of my friends from before because they all went to different cliques, but I didn't realize how bad that was yet. I made friends with a bunch of "nerds". I say that like I have a problem with the idea of nerds, but these nerds were different from your usual, smart, nice, geeky, nerd that you see in TV or even in other schools. I had no problem with them at the time, but I'll get more in depth of what they were like in a minute.
7th grade came, and I lost all of my friends from before except for 1 who managed to stay even to this day, which I'm grateful for. I started making even more nerd friends. Now 7th grade is my lowest point in life probably. I rarely ever talked, and when I did talk, it was an extremely awkward conversation between me and some people asking why I was so quiet, to which I replied "I dont know". Every day at school was absolutely miserable. I would always hear people talk about how they had problems with their boyfriend, girlfriend, friends, etc. They're so lucky. I wish I had a girlfriend or even friends to haveoh. Now back to those nerds. They were pretty much my only friends. I started noticing things I hated about them around 7th grade, but it wasn't until 8th grade that I finally realized that they were not the kind of people I want to hang out with.
I probably left out a lot of things from 7th grade, since that was the worst part of my life. I'm holding off those nerds for a little bit longer so I can explain what was going through my head 8th grade summer. 7th grade stumped my social skills even further, at this point I had almost no experience with people. I decided that 8th grade was going to be different, that I would break out of my shell and be who I always wanted to be. 8th grade came, and by the end of the year, I realized that my plan failed almost completely. My entire 8th grade year was filled with lies. I made friends with a lot of the popular kids. Or at least I told myself that they were my friend. Yeah I talked to them, and they talked to me, but only in class. I would always nonchalantly boast about how they were my friends to that one friend that stayed from before middleschool. I convinced myself that they were my real friends, but that wasn't true at all. One thing that made me realize that halfway through the year is that I was in a group, and one of them that I was friends with said that we almost had a breakfast club. A jock, 2 popular girls, and a nerd. You can already guess which one I was, the nerd. That almost shattered my facade. All 8th grade I just wanted to be one of them, to have actual friends like they did, but all I was was just a nerd to them that they talked to just to pass the time in class. I fell into denial, and repressed what she said, and continued living my lie. The only people I talked to outside of class, I didn't even like, and they were those nerds. Now, these nerds were mean people. They constantly made fun of me, pushed me around, made me feel bad even if they knew I was already having a bad day. I was basically being bullied by them. Pathetic right? Bullied by nerds, when has that ever happened. I don't know if they did it on purpose, or if that's just how they acted, because they called me their friend. I never had fun around them, whenever they tried to be funny, everyone else would laugh, but they were extremely childish and they just had bad jokes, so I faked a laugh and moved on.
Freshmen year started, and I lost all of my "friends". I fully realized the fake life that I'd been leading. I got rid of all of my nerd friends, lost all my popular "friends", and I only had 1 person left. My friend from way back then. All of my classes were bad. Whenever there was a popular person around, I would be constantly reminded about 8th grade and I would recede back into my 7th grade mentality. Stay quiet. All of my classes had them too. School was more miserable now than ever, because I was actively trying to change my life, but I couldn't. I didn't like anyone in my classes, they were all people who I didn't want to be friends with. People who I did try to make friends with never stayed, they probably just thought I was wierd for talking to them and just forgot about me. I find it impossible to make friends with people I actually want to make friends with now, and I'm just making friends with abusive people like the nerds in 8th grade.
Wasn't sure where to include this last part, so I just put it at the end here. I was always expected to act a certain way, and I always wanted to act that way. Whenever people would mention it, I would get depressed and just have a bad rest of the week. It's not even as simple as "Be yourself", because I hate myself. I hate the personality I created for myself. Back in 5th grade, I made up a personality, and lived by it because I hated who I was even then. I was always taught that being this way is the right way, and the way I am now is wrong. Now I'm sitting here with the complete opposite state of mind, trying to get rid of this fabricated personality that became the real me, or maybe it is the real me, but I just don't want to accept it. I wish I could just start over from the beginning and live my life right.