So instead of going in and acting out my anger, I decide to explain the whole thing. I tell him how I hated his message, and how I am really pissed off at him. But that I didn't want to act it out, I wanted to talk first. I told him I wrote a whole much of awful stuff about him because I was so mad.

He asked me what I would have wanted out of the message. I didn't want to tell him right away. So instead, I told him about how much I like to be comforted and babied. I told him about my gay friend who I feel so safe with. Because he calls me "babygirl" and he will just sit with me and play with my hair and we can talk. I told him how my husband doesn't do that kind of stuff so much anymore.

Then he asked again what I wanted out of the message. He said he understood my story about my friend was related to what I wanted out of the message. I said to him, "Please, you know exactly what I want out of your message. Why do I have to say it?" And he keeps looking at me, all smug and stupid looking. So I said, "Fine. I wanted you to comfort me and baby me over the phone. And instead all you did while I was feeling totally disconnected, was state the obvious." And he said, "So basically there was no sympathy or caring or empathy from my message." DUH. Then he said I had every right to be mad at him.

Then he asked if I could convey some of that anger right there, in session. So I said fine-- And I told him, "I think your an %#@&#! for leaving that lame %#@&#! message. In fact, I hate you, and what %#@&#! pisses me off the most is that I have to sit here with all this emotion-- deal with this %#@&#! attachment-- and you don't have to %#@&#! feel anything."

Then he says, "You don't think I feel anything?" And I said no.

Then I waited... expecting him to explain that of course he felt something. But he didn't. So then I really got going.

Told him I wanted to destroy him. But since I couldn't do that physically, I wanted to destory anything that had elements of him in it. Told him that I wanted to rip up the McWilliams book. In the end, he told me to hold off on that one because I'm gaining some serious insight from it.

I said.... the point is, is that I have to feel all this emotion towards you... the engulfment of attachment, the heartbreak of disconnection, and I don't care if it's true or not that you don't feel anything... i feel like you don't.... you just sit there, then you go home, and you don't have to %#@&#! feel one thing.

And he's just sitting there. I wanted to kill him.

Then I talked a little bit about McWilliams- about how in the borderline character, she cited Masterson, who said that anger is autonomy. Should be encouraged by the therapist. It's a wonderful theory, the 1st I have ever read in which it states that the mother was loving and attached to the child-- but the separation-individuation did not happen properly. So I said that I understood why the anger was encouraged.

Then I talked about masochistic behavior-- McWilliams says that those who self-injure are doing so because they only learned to get love and comfort when they were suffering.... Attention when they were sick and such... Told him this is why I am afraid to get better, why I continue to make myself do badly. Then I asked my T-- what happens when this runs out? When I keep trying to create the pain so that I will get the comfort-- but the comfort runs out? I told him that this theory fit me perfectly in regards to why I SI and why I don't want to get better-- except that I am not getting the comfort and safety from him that one looks for in the McWilliams theory.

Then I told him that lately, I was irritated by him all of the time.

He said that this was wonderful progress.

(How ironic, the process of therapy)

Then I basically spent the last 15 minutes of the session completely angry and annoyed at him. I told him how difficult the disconnection was. He said, "What can I say to you that's right?"

And of course I took this as transference to the extreme. I think he was asking this as an honest question, in which he wanted me to answer in regards to what things he could say that would help. But of course, I got irritated because people have said this to me all of my life... Things like... "I can never win with you" and "I can never say anything right to you."

So I told him this. THEN he started throwing in some stupid %#@&#! empathetic comments like, "I see how agonizing this would be for you" and "'I can understand why you would be mad."

I rolled my eyes. For the 1st time, he sounded like he was reading empathy statements off of a list or something... lik some of my classmates at school. You know, when you are 1st learning how to do therapy, they teach you some crappy empathy statements... and they always sound so fake. That's what his sounded like.

I felt like he had run out of stuff to say. Like I was getting to be too much for him. Too intense or something. I never felt like that with him before. I always felt as if he was able to match my intensity.

Told him that my unconscious doesn't know the difference between what it's like to have therapy once per week, and to not have it at all. Feels the same during the week, what with all the disconnect and all.

Then he made some lame comment about how if I get a break in my schedule, we can try to fit in another appointment. This pissed me off too because he %#@&#! knows that I am not going to get a break in my schedule.

At this point, I basically couldn't even look at him because I was so mad. I wanted so badly, for him to say something... something that would matter... like how last week he said that thing about how I would never lose my uniqueness... it was so striking... but this evening, all he did was make lame suggestions and reflective comments. It seemed so.... generic. Like I said before... I always felt he could match me. Today I felt lost. Like he didn' t know what to do with me. He couldn't say anything right.

Maybe we lost something today. I don't know. ..

And the end he said, "I think this was a really good session." And I said, Yeah. For you." And he said, "Yes. Good point." Because he knew I was feeling like %#@&#!, and just because in his book it was a "good session" didn't mean that I saw it that way. Because I'm the one who has to feel like this.

So he asked me to continue that idea in writing. And bring it in next week. I asked him if it is possible whether he can read things that I write without me in front of him... bring it home or something. And he asked, "Is it also possible that we can discuss why you want me to read your stuff when you are not around?" I said 'yes.' And he said, "Good-- then both things are possible."

I %#@&#! hate him.