I had another thread going under Psychotherapy.. about trust and T's and what I realized is they both were on the same issue... so after listening to the comments and advice on both that thread and this one, I decided that I would post the same comment on both threads... so here it is

My T is not a Psychiatrist, She is a LPC, MHSP, working on her Doctorate.

I personally have been thinking about all your advice and suggestions... not sure what I am going to do... I am still very angry with her... anger is not an emotion I normally feel, so for me to be this angry and remember it... it hurts... I guess that is good because, normally I dissociate the anger.....

So I have been trying to process why I am so angry at her... the trust.. or like one said the control? I don't know, Betrayal and vulnerability is where I am at this point.

Either tomorrow or Wednesday I am going to try and meditate on it, let the anger flow through me without judgment and try and investigate why I am this angry with her. Once I do that, I will write her a letter...

Then I have to make a decision (if she hasn't already made that decision for me). If I don't get a discharge letter from her this week, I think I will go back and see her Friday... (I have written lots of letters in my life and I carry them around in several shoe boxes.. never mailed one).... but this time, I am going to read it to her, and ask her not to say anything until I am done reading it to her (then if I am brave enough).... I will ask her to help me decide if she really doesn't think she can help me or I can trust her... then we need to decide that I am done. Not sure if I can do this... just depends on meditation and if I can learn to accept what feelings I am feeling.....
I will either cancel my appointment or I will try the letter.. not sure where I am at so far.
I did go and get my book, good thing I had it in a small laptop bag, and I don't throw very well... took me about 30 minutes wandering around in the woods but I found it.

If we continue, I will keep the book, if we decide to be done, then I will burn the book...

I can't do this again, and I won't... so I guess I have a lot of thought to put in this one... am I able to work through this issue? Is she able to work through this issue? Am I able to trust her again? Do I need her trust or is it just reassurance.... If she hasn't discharged me by Friday, and I haven't cancelled the appointment we will see.

Like I said, I can't and won't go through this again, I have spent 49 years pretending that my life is great while falling apart inside.... If I have done it for 49 years... I can do it for the next 30 or so years I have left.... It took being shot for me to go back.. I don't expect anything that drastic to ever happen again.... so it is not a threat it is just the way I feel..... lots of things to think on and meditate about this week