i didn't tell him that i hated him. i don't hate him really. i was just feeling really frustrated with him. he knew that i was feeling frustrated with him. at some point he was like 'well it doesn't really matter what you think about it' and there was some kind of appeal to authority. then he was like 'whats going on' and i said that i was feeling frustrated because i don't think he understood what i was trying to say. but that it didn't matter. and he was like 'well it does matter how you conceptualise your experience though maybe your thoughts in general...' That didn't help so much. I was like 'well i guess it is hard to talk about it so abstractly like this. i guess it will come up along the way with more concrete issues'.

what do i want from him?

i don't want to be DID person number three. i don't want to be a little notch on his way to becomming an 'expert' for treating 'it'. i don't want to switch in sessions just because some theorists think it is important. i don't want to be part of the conversations about how unique and special people with DID are. i don't want to be part of the conversations about how fascinating the whole thing is and how different the alters are from each other.

i don't believe that alters 'acting out' / 'taking over' is necessary for progress. i think it is an unnecessary regression.

i think that it is important for ME to be able to admit to the thoughts and feelings and stuff AS ME. rather than attempting to circumvent the trust and the like so that i / they act out the stuff that i can't face. i don't see how that helps things get better. i think it has more to do with making the symptoms more flamboyant / extreme so that successful treatment looks more 'miraculous' in contrast. wow look how bad this person was they went from that to this. i don't want my that to get a whole heap worse to make the this at the end of therapy look better. i just want to get better. make me larger. not shrink me first so we can marvel over just how much larger i get.

i don't want him thinking that i don't want to switch because of lack of trust in him. i don't want him seeing it as a defence.

he can think i'm misguided if he likes...

but i want him to respect that i don't think that switching in sessions constitutes progress.

though of course his trying to coax me to do it... his happiness if i actually do it (she trusts me!) are of course factors that make switching more likely to happen. This DOES MATTER. it matters a whole heap. its my %#@&#! life. part of this is distrust of 'authorities' sure. but it is MY life. MINE.

same issue with respect to trauma. you read about the 'trauma of objectively sickening severity' that is supposedly a cause of the disorder. then surprise surprise people come out with all kinds of stuff. 'i canibalised and ate over 100 people' etc etc etc. of couse the 'party line' is that 'this disorder isn't miraculous' and 'trauma is in the eye of the beholder' but therapists reactions / responses show you what they really think.

and the epidemic persists...

and i want no part in it.

its about helping me get better. its not about treating a dx category. its about helping me.