so mentally, I got a lot of crazy stuff going on...

break down real quick:

dad left family right after i was born
2 brothers died shortly after
all my siblings ran from home because our step father beat the crap out of all of us, including my mothers stomach when she was pregnant with my other brother.
they got married, dropped me off in a parking lot and got me like the next night... yes, i was still waiting in the parking lot in the dark.
I had a gf who died from an illness
step dad and mom kicked me out when i was like 15 so they could start a new family
i became a full blown alcoholic around this time, by the time i turned 21 i was drinking for 8 years already (sober now for almost a year)
my sister got with a sugar daddy, shot me twice in the back with this 50,000 stun gun and beat the Hell out of me just out of nowhere.
I was kidnapped and molested and held for ransom for like 5 days after my step dad and mom kicked me out
dad came back in my life for a brief period just to tell me I am not worth anything and anything i do in life is basically worth just not existing at all, planted a acres of these evil seeds in my head then abandoned again...
got with this girl who cared about me and wanted to help me psychologically, after two years finding out she was a hooker on meth, cheating on me and everything she ever told me was a lie, it kinda screwed me in the head even more...
I went to rehab to get help. it ended up being tied to $cientology where three more of my good friends died and the Scientologist stuff was not good psychological practice at all.
now i am trying to recover from all of this, and I am alone.

It's hard.

My mom and my step dad are making an effort to get back in my life and make things right. I try to explain to them everything that happened and how it left me mentally but everytime I do it, I get triggered and I push them away.

This happened yesterday and I feel VERY bad about it because I would have rather just bit my lip, had it be water under the bridge unfortunatly, I was having a stress/ anxiety attack from this so bad my heart was jumping out of my t shirt and I blacked out and said some stuff that I wish I didn't, I dont even know what it was.

I need help with my family dynamic here.

I need to go to school and do stuff. I still have that drive to make my parents proud and I do want to mend things.

I feel like first thing is repairing last night, how do I do it?

In the long run, i need ot fix things to and I just dont know how to do it.

Ive been in survival mode. I just got a computer yesterday, a place two months ago. Before that I was homeless, couch surfing, moving in and out of places... Just..

Im rambling. Had to vent too... Thanks.

PS) I have posted things on here before and everybody was right, I just didnt listen.

I just don't know... I love my mom, and I went nuts last night. I texted her today saying sorry, absolutely no answer.

The things that happened to me in the past, I don't want to live with it. I don't want to be in the same boat ten years from now just because I feel like Im not worth anything