Thank you for your replies everyone! They helped and I managed to distract myself as a result. It is a continued battle of course but you have all eased my busy mind in some way.
Now to answer some questions:
Ifst5, you asked:
"Are they aware that you're having boundary issues?"
I admitted in the first session that I do not want to get attached to her like I have with previous therapists. It has happened every time I see a therapist, especially with females. Ultimately I have worked through these attachments with previous therapists - and I have learned to recognize the patterns. I have learned to be aware of it - and I have a pretty good idea as to why it happens. We are aware of it and we have talked about it and it is something that will be worked on again in DBT. Thank you for asking this as it jogs up the importance of this pattern that I have in the therapy setting!
***A side note: I had two intake sessions to get into DBT. One was with an elderly female therapist - whom asked a ton of questions in order to see if DBT was right for me. After about an hour and a half - I left feeling attached to her. I cried that night, and several nights after. A week later I had another intake session with a female psychiatrist. The session went really well and she made me laugh more than cry. I was instantly attached - and I left feeling sad and cried again for several days. This happens to me. I could choose to ignore these feelings and, "suck it up." But therapy seems to be the only safe place for me to express my emotions - and as such - eventually I break open and cry and cry and cry - and I am unable to, "suck it up," and I find myself so attached that I just want to melt in their presence.***
I lock away all my emotions when I am not in therapy - and I can confuse that with doing well. Truth is - I don't feel safe to share or express these emotions outside and in the real world - because of my past. Sharing feelings with friends and family has only led to ruined relationships and abandoned trust. Even now I still try to talk to my Mom about some things in hopes of bettering our relationship. She tells me I can trust her - but I know that she goes out and tells people what I tell her in confidence. The thing that hurts the most is she tells my brother - whom happens to be one of the biggest triggers for me. He really wrecked havoc on me and still does to an extent. Now my Mom doesn't give me any benefit of the doubt. Ever. And if I ask her not to tell people things that I share with her - she replies with, "then you shouldn't tell me things..." I would be fine accepting that if she didn't actually abandon my trust - but she does. I keep telling myself that my inability to trust her is a factor of my borderline (and in some ways it is), but when I share intimate things about myself to her - only to hear them come out of my brother's mouth (word for freaking word), I slowly realize just how disillusioned I am in believing I can trust my Mom...
This is one of my biggest struggles in life.
How can I have a meaningful relationship with my mom - without being hurt by her lack of trust? How do I set boundaries with her in a way that makes me feel connected - but that also allows me to feel safe? For how long - can I try to build a trusting relationship with my mother - only to be mislead by false promises of trust? How can I NOT adopt black and white thinking in relation to my Mom - when she has caused me so much pain already - and continues to while denying it? At what cost am I willing to go?
Sometimes my desire for a trusting mother blinds me from the realities of past experience. And it scares me. I just feel like I am a bad person in thinking that I have to let go of my mother in a way that I shouldn't have to.
I suppose in saying this - there's no wonder I feel so sensitive around female's - especially when around female therapists... They fulfill a role that my Mom probably never could - and the fact that therapy is built on trust - adds to the allure.
I get so attached that I cannot think of other things. I can become consumed by thoughts of my therapists - that it literally debilitates me when I am around friends and family outside of therapy. Everything triggers me. I am reminded of her by everything. Sometimes I am free from these triggers - but sometimes they come on full force and I just have to cry. Unfortunately for me, I am unable to cry around my real mom - as she would only take that information and tell others - or use it as psychological missiles - the next time I try to explain to her how I wished she was...
Ifst5, you also said:
"Also - are they having no other form of contact with you outside of the sessions? I don't know whether that's already part of their plan to help you deal with this but from my experience it helps to be able to email or telephone a professional in times of greater difficulty. That too has to handled carefully though as the idea is not to feed into your current attachment issues but to navigate them."
To answer the start of your question: yes - I am able to communicate with her outside of therapy sessions. So far - via phone call is the only way. The DBT program I am in has limitations. I can call during business hours - (Monday through to Friday). If my individual therapist is busy - they can send out requests for the other DBT therapists to call me. I have done this once already and it proved to be effective. Just hearing someone on the other end of the phone helped tremendously. Apparently DBT usually has 24/7 phone lines - and I wished to GOD my program did - because I would be using it a lot.
Just last session, she did say that we will work on creating supports outside of therapy - so that I can balance this intense attachment with her. Interestingly enough - I am aware, intellectually, (as an adult) that I really have to set boundaries and make supports elsewhere - so as to balance my dependency on her - but at the same time, my emotions (as a child) cry out to be closer to her... This is so very hard to navigate because my emotions override my intellect for the most part. Especially when I sit in bed and ruminate about it - which unfortunately happens to be one of my crux's - as currently I am in a depression - and will most likely be stuck in one being that I reside in Canada's harsh, wintery weather... As soon as I get up from bed - those thoughts diminish - especially the emotions, but they are still there and unless I can become fully engaged in something (which rarely happens) I am tempted to just go back to bed...
Clearly there is an obvious solution - but the solution is painful - and potentially harmful, while the bed is all too welcoming and provides me with a sense of self-nurture that I need.
Hooligan, you said:
"I, like you, can get attached quickly to others. My problem, on the opposite end, is that those that I attach to quickly, I just as quickly repel them so they disappear."
This is seriously debilitating... You must get so frustrated by this! In all honesty - I do this outside of therapy as well. I suppose I should try to figure out why only outside of therapy - perhaps it's because I know a therapist cannot abandon me in the same way that someone out in the real world could.
I just recently went to Vancouver, and while I was there - I made some friends. They have been trying to get back to me now that I am back in Alberta - and literally left 20 - 30 text messages, voice mails - asking for me to call them back, telling me they were in town and asking me how I was doing. I haven't replied. Thing is - I really liked one particular girl - a lot. And I even consider her as being someone I would date and who could genuinely understand me... There were three people from Vancouver who did this in varying levels... All of which I ignored.
The idea that people - want - me. That feels good. But when they come across as though they - need - me; I avoid them.
One day soon - I'm sure I will be kept up at night - and I will try to reach out to these friends from Vancouver - and I will not get a reply. When that happens - I will regret what I did - and will hate myself for it. Then I will sink into a depression, be left all alone - again - and blame the world.
Sad vicious cycle.
MoxieDoxie, you said:
Did your T specifically say you could not e-mail between sessions?
I have not asked her about this, however, I will now. I think knowing that she is accessible in some way - may prove useful. Even just knowing - that I CAN communicate with her in some way - will ease the idea that at certain times of day - I CANNOT. Perhaps this will prevent me from feeling so alone - and that she is there if I need her. I would be interested in seeing stats on whether or not - allowing Borderlines to email their DBT therapists - increases their attempts to get in touch, or decreases...
In my mind - it would decrease.
Tangerine87, you said:
"Yea maybe ask your T for a transitional object or even a voicemail. I had my T do that when he went on vacation."
You must have been tormented by his absence. It sounds like you struggle with this as well. Thank you for sharing. I will definitely be bringing this up to my therapist next session - perhaps she can help me in this way too.
Do you mind if I ask what the transitional object was for you? Was it something that your therapist made specifically for you, or purchased for you? Was it something that had personal significance that you asked your therapist for? A letter, a note?
I am curious as to what things I could ask for from my therapist without invading boundaries and being unreasonable.
AchyTurtleArmor, you said:
"I have not been well since my last t appointment. I do plan on doing a better job next weekend by going hiking one day."
You are very strong in finding the ability to go out on a hike with these things in your mind. You inspire me.
You say that you are not doing well since your last therapy session - is it for similar reasons as to mine? Do you miss your therapist? Was there specific things you talked about in the session that made it harder for you?
DancingLady, you said:
"I had this same problem with my old therapist. At the beginning I got objects from my T office (pillow, business cards)."
The fact that you also feel this way when your therapist is absent saddens me - but it also makes me feel less alone, thank you for sharing.
You say that at the
beginning you had objects from your therapist's office with you in order to deal with these issues. Were you able to gradually let go of these transitional objects? Was it something that your therapist worked through with you? Was it your choice or your therapists - or a mutual decision? Was it something that was seen as a necessary part of moving on and in accepting that your therapist cannot be with you forever? What did it mean for you? Do you still have these objects, and if not - do you feel the need to have them anymore?
Thank you everyone for your replies! I appreciate them. I look forward to any more you can share about these issues that I am having. It makes me happy to see so many replies so soon!
Thanks,
HD7970ghz