hey. i was just thinking that part of it might be him trying to reassure me that he is competent. some of the stuff i said in the emails was about how my father didn't seem to know what to do with me etc. he does this little thing sometimes... basically talks about how wonderful he is. initially i was like 'LOOK at the ego on this man!' but i was kinda surprised... then i kinda realised that what he was probably trying to do was to take the idealising transference. to show that he was okay with it. that he could handle it. that it was okay for me to idealise him. now when he does that i guess i think 'ok he thinks i need to idealise him now'. he typically isn't too far off. maybe that was what he was trying to do here with the 'me expert' line. trouble is that he does kinda rely on the dx categories for his expertise... sigh.

i guess there aren't many differences in the application. thats kind of why i ended up saying 'it doesn't really matter'. i meant that kind of in the sense that maybe we would be better off just dealing with particular issues as they arise. part of the frustration... it actually got to me rather. the confirming of the dx. i'm not sure what i think. i guess i just think that i make up stories as a way of coping and making sense with my life. for me getting better means not having to do that anymore. but no i don't want him to talk to them directly. i don't want to have to refer to / think of them as 'other' and i don't want to behave like they are 'other' either. i don't think that doing it for a time in order to get better justifies it. i want to start working on it now. not later. not once he has had his fun meeting them and all.

part of it might be my worrying a little about his being a crank. i know he isn't a crank.

why does he want to work with me anyway? why does he have an interest in this stuff for? last time we got near this issue he kinda puffed out his chest and said stuff about how he loves helping people and genuinely likes people getting better. you go god. whatever.

sigh.

mostly... i just don't see. i just don't see why he wants to talk to them instead of helping me say the things they would say were he to talk to them.

thats it. thats my problem.