gloria I haven't been following your whole story, but I do believe that a diagnosis is not an "excuse" for past behavior. It helps to explain it, it is a VERY good thing as it give something to work toward, but it doesn't excuse. We all make choices in life, he chose to "express" his problems, whatever they were, in an abusive way, and he also chose not to seek help for those problems a long time ago (I am assuming here).

As people with emotional difficulty we are often in the same boat... we know there is something wrong and yet we are reluctant to call our T or seek help... that is a part of the illness. But if and when our actions harm others I do not believe that it is OK to use that as an excuse.

As far as forgiving him... while maybe it is OK to take this new turn of events into consideration, it still has to be a decision made in your best interest. If you are afraid he is going to continue to hurt you, you have to protect yourself. If you believe he will no longer be abusive, you still may not be able to look at him without recalling hurtful memories. This is entirely your call, and you are under no "obligation" to forgive or forget any of his actions.

On another level, remember that "forgivness" is something we grant internally. We can decide to forgive or decide not to forgive. But that decision does not have to effect is externally, as in guiding our actions. You may forgive him because if may give you peace to do so, for example (not that that will necessarily be the case) but that doesn't mean that you have signed a contract to behave as if none of the hurt existed. "Forgiving" and "forgetting" are two different things.

You ask about being understanding and loving... also two different things. This new information may help you "understand" him, maybe that will be helpful for you, maybe not. But "loving" is a feeling, and it is not your decision to turn it on or off. It just is. When deciding what actions you may want to take... with regard to him and also with regard to your wellness plan for yourself... listen to your heart.

{{{{{{gloria}}}}}}

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