Pinksoil, I got so much from reading your post! I know how hard that session must have been, but I do believe you will look back on it and smile eventually and see it as a major turning in point in becoming whole.

I too si not for outside attention because my si was secret, but the internalised mother was there once I had si, the mother that only paid attention when I was ill.

I liked the way your T asked you to write about it for the next session, it feels as if he was making sure you would have somewhere safe to dump all the feelings brought up in session, after session???? and not just be stuck with them?? I thought that a really caring thing to do. I could be wrong.