My depression/anxiety situation starts back in May of 2012 as soon as I walked out of the stage area, and joined my classmates in celebration, I felt a feeling of emptiness, and uneasiness. I was proud to have finished that chapter of my life, but what was next? I am really not prepared for college, specifically a university 100 miles away from home in the country, because all my life I was living with my parents in the city.
I had it pretty easy except for the bad times in middle school and my freshman year of high school, but when I switched to a new school, my life in high school was pretty darn good, probably too good.
I say that because it was pure anarchy, I was still a good student and all but I didn't care about anything except running around with my clique of friends causing havoc and partying.
The education there had pretty low standards, and rules weren't really enforced that well. These years August 2009-May 2012 truly were the best years of my life, ever. I felt on top the world.
So...back to May 2012. I had these feeling of uneasiness of my future, because I truly was under prepared to face the real world. Of course, this little voice I kept in the back of my mind and just went along with the celebrations that would go on for weeks. Endless drinking, smoking cigarettes, the summer of 2012 was basically just one big party.
However, this party would end in a horrible way and spell a serious change for me.
It was a day in the beginning of August, and I was just a week away from moving out to college dorm life. This day felt a little more uneasy than usual. For some reason that voice inside of me telling me that I was unprepared grew very loud, and I was starting to feel anxious. Today would be the first anxiety attack of my life. At the time I didn't know why my heart was beating fast for no reason. I was on the phone with my friend and I was telling him that I didn't feel good, and kept asking me why, what's wrong? Over and over again. For some reason, this made it worse and I yelled to him I just had to go. My parents were not in the house, so I had no one to physically talk to. I had no idea what was going on, it felt like I was struggling to breath, it felt like something was seriously wrong with my body so I felt scared even more, and that's when I feel that overwhelming feeling of panic. There was only one thing on my mind, and that was to call 9-11. This post is getting a little long, so I will skip some details for the next few years.
All throughout my 1st semester of university, I had panic attacks/or was on the verge of one. I also had social anxiety, which I didn't understand why. The anxiety was getting so bad that I was scared to eat food or even drink water, because I thought the food and water there was the reason why I was getting sick every week. So I was at the university clinic at least 6 times. When November rolled around, I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to apply for community college back in my home city. So I finished off my classes, and left back to my city that December.
So for the next year or so I still struggled with procrastination at school, and I still had no idea what to exactly do with my life so I was just taking general ed classes. Now...here comes my dealings with jobs that are big reason why my self-esteem is virtually gone.
So I figured it was time to find my first job in February of 2013. A applied to a lot of places, and the only place I heard back from was Wendys, which told me that I was rejected due to my lack of experience. That kind of hit me hard. I finally get my first job as a canvasser but it was qutoa job during some snowstorms so I was fired after a few weeks. I had a job with a temp agency in the summer, but I got fired after 2 days from that because I was riding on fork lifts even though the boss saw my friend doing it for 2 years, when I did it, I was the one who was fired. I then had a job with customer service, but I freaked out and quit. I then had a job as a teacher assistant which was enjoyable but since I was doing so badly in my online classes, which were dropped, I was then fired. So....I have lost about 4 jobs in a time period of 1 year...yeah...I hate myself. I tried applying again for awhile, but nothing ever happens so I just gave up.
I decided to go into engineering this semester at my school, but since my math background is so bad (I have college credit in pre-calculus but didn't teach me anything) I can't take lower level math classes that will give me financial aid.
I literally have to study everything from intermediate algebra to trigonmetry before next semester starts, on top of that I have an absolute hardass english teacher, on top of that I feel like I am a burden on my parents because I am starting to get old and they're still taking care of me.
Which brings me to my current situation, where I had a panic attack on November 10th, 2014. The first one I had since my days at university, and I am still a little on edge from it. On top of it all, I am absolutely swamped with school work to do, and my hobby for cycling is virtually on a stand still right now. I have lost all of my energy, my motivation, and my confidence. I feel like I am going to be stuck forever. A week ago I was so close to being happy, to live for something because I was actually getting my school work done but ever since my panic attack, it feels like the progressed I made was set back a million steps. All I want to do is sleep and pretend that I can rewind time...re-live my high school days and took school more seriously so I would have had the scholarships to not worry about money...it's just all so depressing. It feels like no matter what I do, how hard I try, nothing will change.
All the life goals I so deeply wish to accomplish look so far away, I don't even know if it's even possible anymore. With things the way they are in the United States, I feel like eventually I'll just get kicked out my house and be homeless on the streets until I die. I have thoughts that I should just leave my house and bike to Mexico or Canada and probably die along the journey, that way I won't be a burden on my parents or the American taxpayer anymore, because right now I feel like I am nothing but a leech.