Thank you,

the funeral went well... as much as a funeral can... i cried and sobbed but also did and say all that i wanted to still do and say so it felt like a good closure. i still have that regret of not going visit her when i said i would but i have a lot of other postive memories and things that went well, and i also know she wouldnt blame me for not going so its almost ok.

there were good suppotive people around and that helped a lot too. after the coffin was closed it was easier. i could imagine her soul separated from her body and now she is in heaven whatever that means. her soul is still alive and in peace and happy and with those who loved her and that she loved and they are all together watching over us. this is what i want to believe.

on the other side, it still doesnt seem completely real. this morning, while we were walking to the place, i saw an old lady and automatically thought i was glad granma was there with us in this difficult family time. then i realized it wasnt possible. i still think she'll come over for chrsitmas and things like that... i think that it will be at Christmas that i'll finally realize she isnt around here anymore. but i dont mind if it happens slowly. i think the worst part of it, the funeral, is gone. im glad i survived it and it went as well as it could have gone.

as for my regret, i know she would say it doesnt matter, that i was there all the time and she knows i love her. i also think in the past i could have done more for her, but i also know its easy to think this way after a while and after her death... so i'll try to remember and remind myself the good things because i know they do matter. she knew i loved her and i know she loved me and maybe thats what counts the most and its enough.i hope so.

i have thought about suicide, to spare myself the pain of going through this or worse with my parents death, or life in general, but for now im surviving, coping ok, and of course i would never intenionally put my family though another funeral soon after this one. especially since our family now is reduced to the four of us (me, parents and brohter). i guess i'll live... as my granma would say... this is life....

thank you very much for your support.