Hi Hamster he doesn't really respond to that either. I've naturally tried the invitations and suggestions, the would you like to go out/do something over the weekend/tonight, what would you like to do thing. This has all come before initiating "talks" about this as it was like what do I do when I'm unhappy about something, do I suck it up and continue to put up with it or do I talk to him about it. Boundaries as mentioned by Hvert is one answer.
The issue is as what Hvert has said we want different things and I feel I've compromised a lot but he's not willing to meet me half way or even look at solutions that work for both of us (I know that things are going towards workability these days rather than what's right or wrong))
I did advise the counsellor that the problem was that talking does not work, we want very different things and we can't come to solutions that work for both of us. Thus I said I was there to learn safe ways to deal with his moods and anger, boundaries and safe ways to leave.
Hvert yes you hit the nail on the head when you describe what happens when you talk with your partner. However skillfully you talk to them and how much you tailor it to their style it still does turn into an argument. It's because they don't want to solve the situation in a way that suits both of you. An example I have is my partner not liking my friends. Of course I don't want to have to give up my friends for him (which is what he would like but wouldn't say this outright) but I am happy to look at ideas that suit both of us including him making friends he likes and bringing into our lives and I make friends with their wives, us going out together to meet new friends together. Any course I've attended will say to "com-mun-ni-cate". So naturally I've raised this issue to find out if firstly some of my friends have done something and talk about other ways we could solve the situation. But I have to be really careful of how I word this to avoid a side tracked argument over a word. For example I have to say "my friends you don't have much in common with" rather than "my friends you don't like" as he'll latch onto the "don't like" and argue that. The first is more wordy but what can I do. I realise the crux is that he doesn't want friends (but shows the moodiness and anger of someone who is depressed and his mood has been better when he's has been involved with activities or was watching football at the local put with other guys chatting to them about the game). But does that mean because I've not been successfully in talking with him in a manner that suits him I should give up my friends (these courses will basically say "suck it up you can't win them all" when I've said what do you do when it doesn't work? Sometimes that is not an option as you end up giving up so much of what's important to yourself because "communicating" hasn't worked) Of course recently I've heard about Boundaries and that is the answer.
The other point is also good in that we do want different things. But accepting he doesn't want to go out and going out on my own (which I do do, I almost always belong to a group, start a new activity with like minded others and yes at times get the hassling over "why won't your partner come along" continuing questions and then not invited on couples things because my partner doesn't come) doesn't stop him from picking at me over using the computer, doing things differently to him (and wanting to correct me then calling me snappy when I respond this is how I do it leave me to do it my way) and it doesn't help his mood and certainly doesn't improve our relationship. Mealtimes aren't even a time to talk as he insists on having the TV on and then complains he can't "hear me" but when I say "that's because the TV is on and it's a strain for me to shout over it".
I've heard about boundaries and feel that is the way to go. In Australia relationship counselling organisations don't teach boundaries either in individual counselling or in groups. The counselling style of some organisations is talk it through until you figure it out rather than talking an education process and it's hit and miss with contacting independ counsellors who advertise so naturally people go to the organisations feeling that they would be more expert.
However I've found a boundaries course at a church, have made contact, met the facilitator and now waiting to hear about dates for next year which will be decided in December.