Hi,

Thankyou for the replies.

The medication caused a kind of trauma in its own right because it caused mania- I would hurt myself and even did stuff like work as a prostitute due to the mania! It definately did cause its own kind of trauma due to the stuff I did while manic.I was seriously a danger to myself. It definately did cause trauma because I know that one aspect of trauma is that it deforms personal identity, and due to the medication's effects on my behaviour and the age at which I took it; 18- 25, my identity has been very affected because I look back at it and think 'was that really me???'

It was worsened due to the fact that my dad wouldnt allow a doctor or ambulance to the house- he nevr wanted me to get help in cae he was blamed, and he would just call me an animal instead.

I would honestly say that of all the things that ai find most traumatising, the medication thing is one of the most traumatising because I was taking it to try and help myself, and my reaction to it was the reason I got stuck there- it ruined university and my employment. I had always seen university as my way out and I had a very bad manic episode on the tablets which meant that I had to leave university. The stuff past the age of 19 that happened to me at my dad's couldn't have happened if it weren't for my odd reaction to my medication, because I would have been able to stay at uni.I get upset about the medicating because it (alongside my body dysmorphia,) kept me trapped there with my father. I still had a job prior to taking the medication and then when I started taking it I lost the job, and didn't work again for 8 years, so it definately has had a huge impact on me.More so than the abuse in it's effects on my behaviour in terms of the mania.

The stuff all mixes together because obviously the medication situation could never have happened if it weren't for the abuse situation because I wouldn't have been convinced to keep going back on it,if I hadn't been so depressed living with my father, and not having anywhere else to go. No one's parent would normlally tell you you need medication whilst you are still in an abusive environment, or make you stay somewhere where you couldn't have an ambulance called out to.

My psychiatrist has told me he has seen other people over the years who have the same reaction that I had, and he said they tell him that it was very traumatic. However, he said it doesnt normally go on as long as it did for me, and his thoughts were that it went on so long because of the living situation I had always been in which meant that I was always blamed for it, and I always blamed myself and thought it was my fault. He told me that I would have been much better off nver taking anything, but I already knew that. He prsonally doesn't like to diagnose people witth bipolar based off their reactions to ssris, so he has called it ssri induce mania

So much of what has happened boils down to what happened in that house. It was really hard to even eat there. My dad couldnbt leave the hosue so it was like he didn't want me to leave either. He never wanted me to leave.

Im really not sure if this therapist has really dealt with trauma. She said she has, but we don't appear to be following a structured plan for recovery. She has said stuff like 'we can't do anything about the past' and has told me to describe my past as a 'difficult chapter in my life' when in fact it was more than difficult, and it wasnt just a chapter!! At times has felt invallidating. She very rarely mentions the word trauma.

I dont know if I want to start from scratch with another therapist though, I dont think she gets that I basically have no knowledge of the world.

There is no structure in my therapy. We never do worksheets or anything.She sets me homework, and then she doesn't even mentione it the next time i see her. What do people actually do to heal from seomthing like this? Do people heal from something like this?

xxx