Wtf. This is ridiculous. I'm so freaking irritated with everything. It's been a good few days, but everything is irritating the hell outta me. If this is an upswing this is bs. I can't ****ing take the yoyo rollercoaster bs. Even the mindfulness meditations I've been doing aren't helping. I really need to get control over this. I can't be this way at work. At least I can bite my tongue for a bit before I blurt out what is going on. I hate this. I hate being like this, but I shoulda ****ing figured after the whole not wanting sleep and the revved up more at work the past few days. I just want to find what works because this mix obviously isn't. I don't know what to do to calm down. This is bad because these feelings are turned in on myself which I guess could classify this as a mixed episode. My depressed thoughts are running a mile a min and smacking me in the face each time they pass making sure I know they are there. I feel like my skin it's crawling and I just want to scratch it off. I'm also typing this too fast so if there are mistakes I apologize. I wished off come out of the depression, I guess I did. Watch what you wish for. Pdoc on Thursday. 2days away well 1because it's early in the day on Thursday. Fml. Aren't meds supposed to make this better? I bet the seroquel goes back up or there'll be a change out. Who knows though. I'm going to try and make myself go to sleep because I know I need to. Grrrrrrrrrr....!!! Why can't my brain be fixed? This isn't normal and it isn't right. I want to cry and scream and beat the **** out of things. I want to take a baseball bat to the walls and myself. Control... I need control of something. What do you cling to when the walls are smooth and seamless? Nails dig into the walls gain control of this. Sleep... must make myself sleep....